On festivities

Christmas' coming around again. Everywhere we go, faint tunes of jingle bells and Santa Claus Is Coming Tonight are being played, reminding us that it's christmas, and it's time to open up your wallets to usher in goodwill towards men and spending your way to peace on earth.

I wish I could say I have a method in deciding what gifts to buy for who, and what value to tie to certain gifts and people, but the truth is that I don't. Like most people, I go for the lazy method of reciprocity, which is to say, I base the price of the gift I gift to others on the value of the gifts they give me. If it's something cheap, I buy something cheap back - it reduces stress and makes things easier for everyone.

Except for my wife. I usually try to peg my spending for her birthday and the wedding anniversary, and even christmas, on what she gets for me. But usually when it comes right down to it, I blow my budget several times over and still feel pleased at having done it. I guess that's the whole point of selfless giving, right? Where you give, and don't ask for anything in return?

But let's be honest here. When the wife gets something cheap after I spend several hundreds on something for her, there IS a tinge of disappointment, no matter how selfless I think I am, and I'm sure everyone feels the same way.

This year is a rather special year for me. Firstly, this christmas is the christmas i scrutinise my own religion, and decide whether i am to remain Christian. After all the shenanigans throughout the past 2 years, i am officially sick of all this bullshit and ready to look religion square in it's eyes and ask the hard questions and make demands and give deadlines. This may seem entirely random and somewhat insane, but any intelligent person would go through this at least once in their lives.

After all, I seem to recall demands and deadlines being made of me, and hey, if this is the day that the lord has made, and this is the life I'm given, it's fair that I ask the obvious question: "what do I get out of it?"

And no, 'Eternal Life' is too vague an answer. No one knows for certain if heaven and hell exist. No one knows if we really have 'souls'. Philosophically and scientifically, at least, no one knows for certain.

And speaking as a person with chronic depersonalisation (20 years and counting), I frequently wonder if i even HAVE a soul. I mean, I don't even feel the world is real sometimes, and i occasionally have difficulties recognising myself in the mirror. So whoopdi-doo, religion - suck That.

Second, although I'm not superstitious by nature (I'm afraid of the unknown things, like ghosts, but that's just survival instincts. I don't think the one supernatural incident I encountered once had any religious connotations.), the 2012 hype has given me a little sense of caution, and made me think "what if?".

Granted, it probably wouldn't be the end of the world, but in the event it is, I want to think that I at least enjoyed myself, despite everyone saying it's going to be a tough year next year.

I guess the more prominent effect the 2012 phenomenon has had on me is to make me consider my mortality (again), and bring my life into complete perspective again. Oddly enough, if I was a religious person, I'm sure this thought would never have even crossed my mind. The one thing about being religious is the false sense of confidence one gets; the "oh, it won't happen to me. I'm Protected!" idea.

I guess maybe that's why sometimes the disappointment is so strong when your life goes awry; because you learn to Depend on this higher power, to develop a relationship with that power, and when it fails you, you don't just feel disappointed - you feel betrayed. And telling yourself you're no longer a part of it feels a lot like heartbreak and losing a loved one.

So my point is that a religion is ultimately like a relationship. You need work to keep at it, you sacrifice for it and depend on it; and when it fails you, the heartache is wrenching. At this point, the question "how could you let this happen", is a perfectly fair one. And sometimes, when you remember that question and realise you haven't gotten a proper, non-bullshit answer for it, you give up that relationship.

That's just how humans work.