~xXx . : : l||l [立ち上がる : 戦い] l||l : : . xXx~

Updates for 2011

2012-01-19T13:48:00.001+08:00

Christmas Eve - Saturday: we went to my aunt's for a potluck, and we made pretzel sticks dipped in chocolate, candied cranberries, sausages and mash, and the wife made a delicious Manhattan cheese cake.

Christmas - we got the immediate in-laws together, had a mini party and stayover, and watched DVDs all day; since I couldn't bear to be idle, I was the designated cook and made a spicy stew for dinner, pizza for lunch, hot chocolate, coffee and other goodies. Wife gave me the LOTR blu-ray set and an iPod nano! I gave her a coach blue satin long strapped purse and two books - Makeup artiste Kevin and 1Q84.

Wedding anniversary - morning we went to Royal China or dim sum, where I presented my wife with the tiffany blue coach bag I'd gotten from reebonz. Thereafter we went to Marina Bay Sands to view the Titanic exhibition (which was pretty awesome), and ended our evening at plaza sing, where we watched Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol.

Adel's bdae! On the 7th, brought her and the in-laws to Odeon Towers (Asia Grand restaurant) for some awesome dimsum, then went bugis for a walkabout, ending with dinner at home, where I'd preordered black pepper crab, chilli crab, oyster omelette, sambal kangkong, kungpao chicken, and yam paste from Ponggol Seafood. At night when the in laws had left, I presented her with the coach business bag!:)

On the 8th, started with a simple breakfast at Toast@Marina Bay Sands, followed by the Skypark! Then at 1.30, caught Wicked (the musical), which was FANTASTIC, and I would watch it again, except it costs $145 per ticket. Ended with a simple dinner at plaza sing, Xing Wang cafe, and home to prepare for work on Monday.

All in all, a satisfying end to a rather crappy year.

Evereverafter

2012-01-19T13:43:00.001+08:00

Since I was a kid I've always been fascinated with death. Ok, maybe 'fascination' is too strong a word; it presents itself almost like a mystery I have to solve, the rationalising of the underlying fear associated with it, the dreaded finality, and what part religion played in mitigating this fear.

As I lay in bed last night watching my wife sleep, I wondered what could be more fearsome than death itself. Thinkers would say the death of the mind is more fearsome than a physical death. Religious people would say the death of the faith, and of course free men and women would say the death of freedom and the human spirit.

But that's not what I'm referring to; I'm talking about what consequence would be more unbearable than death? If say, someone close to us were to pass on, would that be the ultimate and worst possible thing that could happen? And I realised what it was. It's the same thing that causes fear in all human beings - the fear of the unknown. What if a person is not dead, but missing - taken by a hostile person? I think for me, that would be a fate worse than death - where there is, in fact, no finality, no closure.

I know for a fact I would all my resources and turn my entire mind to hunting down the perpetrator and making sure he (human predators are usually male; isn't that odd?) stays alive a Very Long time. The scene in "a law abiding citizen" where the rapist and murderer is killed painfully, loudly, and most importantly, over a period of time, comes to my mind.

A fate worse than death is not that unimaginable, after all.

The Sorrow

2011-12-02T08:04:00.001+08:00

A colleague's grandmother passed away recently. It brought to mind the passing of my own grandmother last year, about the same time as well.

I have, at most, 4 persons in my life who have acted as the guides in my life and indeed, can directly be attributed with saving my life - my mother, my grandmother, my wife, and Cloud.

The passing of my grandmother left a huge gaping hole in my heart, one that could not be filled because she was just so unique, so kind and had such a strong presence.

But with her passing, I also have no grandparents left. It is a difficult time in one's life when one no longer has any grandparents. Relatives like your uncles and aunties no longer feel as obligated to visit, and grandchildren are, well, less of 'grandchildren' as they are 'so-and-so's son or daughter.

The inadequacy of prayer, the fervent and feverish begging to a divine entity - all to no avail, suggested to me that it was all a placebo, and was at least part of the reason I have turned atheist. Not just agnostic, because that means I still believe there IS a god.

It is always somewhat unbelievable to me that there are people who revel in tragedy and hope for their lives to become one. If I had a choice, I would not have chosen this lot for myself - the depersonalisation, the years spent in pursuing an education that should have been made available to me a good decade ago, and recently my spreading vitiligo.

It's odd how humans work.

3 dogs

2011-11-29T09:28:00.001+08:00

We have 3 (originally 4) jack Russell terriers, two of which were born from the first two we had.

The very first JRT we had was Jess who is now coming to 11 years old. Max was adopted shortly after, and it passed away recently from sickness.

We now have Mickey (short haired, extremely hyper-active) and Spot (wire-haired, docile) and both are about 4-5 years old.

I miss them all. (except for Mickey, who is a Naughty Boy, and bites).

The Rage

2011-11-28T19:21:00.001+08:00

I don't know why, but a lack of sleep and some kind of unknown effect on me recently is really causing me to have a very loose grip on my temper.

Have had to restrain myself from literally ripping off someone's face, and that's just in the last hour.

Edit: I think it's maybe because I've stopped running after a few months of running. Too much pent up energy.

Remember the Colors

2011-11-28T16:25:00.001+08:00

Bwb

2011-11-28T11:04:00.001+08:00

Just in time to order three books through betterworldbooks (www.betterworldbooks.com) to capitalise on the Black Friday Sale (15% off for 3 books and above).

Purchased David Edding's "The Mallorean vol 1" and "The Belgariad vol 1", as well as Frank Herbert's "Green Brain".

The reason I made the decision so late was cos I checked out the prices for the two David Eddings' books over the weekend and found them to be more expensive locally ($42 SGD vs $23 USD), even if shipping is included. Books in Singapore are mostly seriously overpriced. So much for promoting literacy.

I remember reading The Belgariad and Mallorean when I was in early secondary School; the characters were interesting, though the plot was slightly cliched. In general though, it made for a highly entertaining read and got me through the first two years of school as I read and re-read it countless times.

I probably need to get back to serious reading. I'm just starting off my reading list with Jules Verne's "Journey to the centre of the Earth", and hopefully progress to finishing " Crime and Punishment" by this year.

The vernacular in US and Russian novels (eg The Great Gatsby, Catcher in the Rye, Crime & Punishment) are slightly difficult to get engrossed in - I think maybe it's because I grew up with UK books, so when slang or dramatic writing is introduced, I lose all interest.

Probably a bad thing since it seriously makes me a picky reader.

Caffeine & me

2011-11-25T17:49:00.001+08:00

I should probably drink less coffee.

Or more. Maybe I should drink more.

I think I like option 2 better.

Thanksgiving gifts for wife

2011-11-24T22:14:00.001+08:00

Wait till she sees part 2.

Advanced Christmas present!

2011-11-24T15:05:00.001+08:00

From my wife! Wait till she sees what I've gotten her. :3

Walled

2011-11-23T22:27:00.001+08:00

There is a piece of the Berlin Wall in Singapore, and it's in a now infamous location - Bedok Reservoir.

One feels it could have been better placed, perhaps in a more central location. It is, after all, a symbolically large piece of world history in this tiny country.

Family Day

2011-11-22T13:52:00.001+08:00

Family Day in my organisation today, and we got two free tickets to Universal Studios. Since the wife couldn't take any leave, I asked my mom instead and spent a good half day just walking through the theme park, taking pictures of the rides and buying souvenirs.

It's nice to be able to spend time with my mother and show her USS; hopefully in a few years time I'd be able to bring her overseas for some sightseeing!

K & DP

2011-11-22T13:46:00.003+08:00

According to wikipedia, it seems that no one has yet come up with a cure for depersonalisation.

Depersonalised persons are known to be chronologically challenged (and by that I don't mean we're alway late, or age backwards like Benjamin Button), and we find it difficult, bordering on impossible to see our lives in a chronological sequence. June may come after May, but we may not remember it that way. To us, it's just a big mess of strings, all rolled together in an impossible tangle, awaiting the joys of unravelling them.

In saying this, i know someone reading this would think, "hey, i have that too!" - and it's true; everyone has problems with that, just that in our case our journey of life becomes a huge, flat plain with no identifiable markers. High school, secondary school, college, our first job - they all seem like they just happened yesterday. On the plus side, we have Really interesting mix-ups when we are lost in whatever business we're conducting and walk right back to our high school for lessons. And on the negative side, our lives become a huge, tragic comedy. Let me explain this point.

In searching for my purpose for living many years back, I came to several interesting but ultimately inconclusive answers - first of which was that it all depended on the person's point of view, and from which angle the person was viewing "life" as he or she saw it. So what was the meaning of life? (the answer is 42.)

If you look at life from the perspective of biology, human life exists purely for procreation and spreading its gene and seed - just like how all living, biological creatures are wired, including viruses.

From the perspective of religion, Christianity and Islan would say it's to fulfill God's purpose. Buddhists would say it's to attain Nirvana, and so on and so forth.

From the perspective of the individual as an economic unit (i.e. employee, worker), the purpose of life is simply to contribute to the economy and add value to it.

From the perspective of the individual as a member of society, it would be to give back to society, and be a useful member of society, whether through contributing in science, medicine, law, education, or even consumerism. By now I'm sure you get the idea.

The point here is that the "meaning of life" is simply whatever meaning the individual puts into it, whatever we hold in high priority within our cultivated template of values; and they need not be singular meanings tied simply to society, or the economy or religion - they could be a mixture of several values, hence creating in us some thing that we can only loosely define as "an individual, and his/her life". In short, our meaning in life is to do what we think/feel is important to us, regardless of whether or not it actually is. There is no overarching raison de'tre to the entire human race (except the biological one), no use for us as this huge computer that generates the answer to the ultimate question of life.

And what constitutes a person "living"? His experiences, values, actions, thoughts, his legacy. To the individual, what ultimately counts, when he says "I have lived", is simply his experiences in life. What he has seen, what he has done, heard, gone through, endured, enjoyed.. all of it. It is quintessentially him.

And that's what makes living life so tragic if one is unable to discern chronological sequences properly - the fact that we cannot remember our life in sequence. Through careful mental cataloguing (I use school uniforms for mine), we attain a bare minimum of sequence, but even that is flawed because I can't tell my Sec 1 from Sec 2, Sec 3 from Sec 4, and of course my Primary School days are one huge ball of yarn with Kindergarten somewhere near the centre of that ball of yarn.

And the greatest curse and blessing of depersonalisation is the greatest source of pain for me - forgetfulness. Not general forgetfulness, but the fact that our lives are always covered in a haze that causes us to only skim emotions and experiences no matter how deeply we try to dive into them. We end up remembering only vague echoes of our loved ones, what they do, what they say, and what experiences we had with them.

It makes us ghosts in our own lives, forever observing, forever hovering, even as we live them and try to experience the loveliness that is life. It makes us numb to joy and satisfaction, but greatly attuned to despair and pain and fear.

A person who is rendered this half-life cannot, in all fullness, say he lived. So until the cure is found, one does not live; one merely exists.

On festivities

2011-11-21T15:26:00.001+08:00

Christmas' coming around again. Everywhere we go, faint tunes of jingle bells and Santa Claus Is Coming Tonight are being played, reminding us that it's christmas, and it's time to open up your wallets to usher in goodwill towards men and spending your way to peace on earth.

I wish I could say I have a method in deciding what gifts to buy for who, and what value to tie to certain gifts and people, but the truth is that I don't. Like most people, I go for the lazy method of reciprocity, which is to say, I base the price of the gift I gift to others on the value of the gifts they give me. If it's something cheap, I buy something cheap back - it reduces stress and makes things easier for everyone.

Except for my wife. I usually try to peg my spending for her birthday and the wedding anniversary, and even christmas, on what she gets for me. But usually when it comes right down to it, I blow my budget several times over and still feel pleased at having done it. I guess that's the whole point of selfless giving, right? Where you give, and don't ask for anything in return?

But let's be honest here. When the wife gets something cheap after I spend several hundreds on something for her, there IS a tinge of disappointment, no matter how selfless I think I am, and I'm sure everyone feels the same way.

This year is a rather special year for me. Firstly, this christmas is the christmas i scrutinise my own religion, and decide whether i am to remain Christian. After all the shenanigans throughout the past 2 years, i am officially sick of all this bullshit and ready to look religion square in it's eyes and ask the hard questions and make demands and give deadlines. This may seem entirely random and somewhat insane, but any intelligent person would go through this at least once in their lives.

After all, I seem to recall demands and deadlines being made of me, and hey, if this is the day that the lord has made, and this is the life I'm given, it's fair that I ask the obvious question: "what do I get out of it?"

And no, 'Eternal Life' is too vague an answer. No one knows for certain if heaven and hell exist. No one knows if we really have 'souls'. Philosophically and scientifically, at least, no one knows for certain.

And speaking as a person with chronic depersonalisation (20 years and counting), I frequently wonder if i even HAVE a soul. I mean, I don't even feel the world is real sometimes, and i occasionally have difficulties recognising myself in the mirror. So whoopdi-doo, religion - suck That.

Second, although I'm not superstitious by nature (I'm afraid of the unknown things, like ghosts, but that's just survival instincts. I don't think the one supernatural incident I encountered once had any religious connotations.), the 2012 hype has given me a little sense of caution, and made me think "what if?".

Granted, it probably wouldn't be the end of the world, but in the event it is, I want to think that I at least enjoyed myself, despite everyone saying it's going to be a tough year next year.

I guess the more prominent effect the 2012 phenomenon has had on me is to make me consider my mortality (again), and bring my life into complete perspective again. Oddly enough, if I was a religious person, I'm sure this thought would never have even crossed my mind. The one thing about being religious is the false sense of confidence one gets; the "oh, it won't happen to me. I'm Protected!" idea.

I guess maybe that's why sometimes the disappointment is so strong when your life goes awry; because you learn to Depend on this higher power, to develop a relationship with that power, and when it fails you, you don't just feel disappointed - you feel betrayed. And telling yourself you're no longer a part of it feels a lot like heartbreak and losing a loved one.

So my point is that a religion is ultimately like a relationship. You need work to keep at it, you sacrifice for it and depend on it; and when it fails you, the heartache is wrenching. At this point, the question "how could you let this happen", is a perfectly fair one. And sometimes, when you remember that question and realise you haven't gotten a proper, non-bullshit answer for it, you give up that relationship.

That's just how humans work.

Worms

2011-11-19T01:32:00.001+08:00

An ex-colleague raised a question on Facebook a few days ago, asking if it was a good idea to take a job offering twice as much pay, but which would make life miserable relatively.

The overwhelming answer from all the respondants was No, with one clarifying that it was a solid No unless there were financial difficulties to address.

But then again, my ex-colleague is one of the rare few persons who is truly passionate and in love with the job.

Compared to most people, who work in dead-end jobs and only await the monthly payday, the "relatively miserable" bit would be a moot point, since they're already miserable to begin with. I.e., Herzberg's theory X (most people, motivated by money) and theory Y (my ex-colleague) workers.

The problem with the theory X and Y theory is that it assumes that once a person manages some form of stability and financial security, he works towards self-actualisation. But if one takes into account inflation, the increasing price of goods and general costs of living, one can see that a person could chase financial security forever and still remain the same distance he was, decades ago - or in some cases, even further away from his goal than previously.

But finding a job one can love would make work so much easier. And to that end I'm wondering: how much of that is human effort, and how much of that can be attributed to chance? Does the person who seeks a pleasurable job ind it, eventually? Is it a game of opportunity and random encounters of luck?

Regardless, after reading Steve Jobs' speech (the one from 2005), I've decided that I can no longer dawdle and wonder. I have to keep looking, and keep trying.

"Don't Settle."

Thoughts

2011-11-18T15:14:00.001+08:00

Some thought provoking quotes to round off the week.

"Education is no substitute for intelligence. That elusive quality is defined only in part by puzzle-solving ability. It is in the creation of new puzzles reflecting what your senses report that you round out the definitions."

"The failure of civilisation can be detected by the gap between public and private morality. The wider the gap, the nearer the civilisation to final dissolution."

"All governments suffer a recurring problem: Power attracts pathological personalities. It is not power that corrupts, but that it is magnetic to the corruptible."

- Frank Herbert

Pre-birthday bash

2011-11-01T09:07:00.003+08:00

On my way to celebrate my birthday in advance with the in-laws.

This year, I requested something simpler (for the purposes of convenience), so I suggested Ion orchard, where they have the most excellent fried chicken wings I've ever eaten - bonchon 4fingers.

Also, it's cheaper and less taxing on their wallets.

HB32

2011-11-01T09:07:00.001+08:00

Happy Birthday to me!

Had an early celebration yesterday night eating at Ion foodhall - 2 big boxes of bonchon fried chicken, fries, takopachi, Peking duck!

And then off the tea loft for two games of Card Monopoly, and finally back home.

A good evening :)

No Bed bugs!!

2011-10-29T12:24:00.001+08:00

Sparky has spoken! Sparky looks tired, too.

Very pleased.

Bloody bed bug

2011-10-28T18:06:00.001+08:00

My wife's noticed some blackish stain on her side of the bed sheet for some time now, and I was puzzled over it but paid no further attention to it, attributing it to her usual ability to produce the incredible in something otherwise normal.

She's also been suffering from a perpetual itch and redness on the back of her scalp, and various types of medication have been applied, to no avail. Silly me could not put one and one together.. Until recently.

It started, as usual, with a mild despair as I clean the floor in the main bedroom and realise that booklice are crawling all over it. The shock and anguish I feel at seeing a scenario I would not have expected to see for at least another 5-10 years, not after all the bloody effort I put in for the past year, cannot be easily described. It's like working hard, slogging like mad and being a valued employee all your working life, only to be fired one month before you can draw your pension because you're simply "not up to standards". It's a feeling of betrayal, of anger and despair; mixed with a cocktail of fear, hopelessness, and crippling depression.

In any case, kerio rarely lets up so easily. So I start cleaning - something my wife does not do, and realise a molted shell beneath her bedside table, and it is CREEPY looking, like a big ass bug that's still alive, except it looks hollowed out and translucent.

I poke it furtively with a tissue, and when it offers no resistance, I muster up my courage and pull it out with the tissue to examine it. Since the bedbug-booklice scare a year ago, I've grown to be quite knowledgeable in the shape and lifestyle of insects. Without a doubt, this is a bed bug shell. Panic sets in.

I stare at the black stains on the sheets, and finally the realisation dawns - [I]crap!![I/]

Bed bug crap, to be precise.

Throughout the whole of the night I am despondent, squishing booklice and searching below pillows and staring at seams with a madness that underscores my feelings. The wife is of no help whatsoever. I send an email to the pest exterminators to send their very expensive bedbug detection dog by to take a sniff ASAP.

The next morning, as we prepare to set off to work, and I am completely fatigued, having less than 3 hours sleep the night before, I decide to check the area, just one more time.

I use my torchlight, and check the bedside table and LO! I see a reddish, flat creature, tucked neatly between a crevice of the bedside table. It is surrounded with black fecal matter so dense I wonder if I was completely blind to have missed it the night before.

I exit the room and inform my wife, and we jointly prepare large plastic bags and toss the entire bedside table out. The feeling is similar to Signourney Weaver wielding a flame thrower in "Alien". That night, we watch the Lion King at MBS, a rare, expensive treat for us which I hardly enjoy because I'm still obsessing over that bed bug I found in the morning. As usual, the wife is of no help.

I call to follow up the following day and receive an email from the pest busters, they are coming by in 4 days. I don't know if I can stay alive that long. My daily routine for three days has been to go home, land on my knees in the main bedroom and squish booklice, and commence a search in the hope I DON'T find fecal matter. It is exhausting.

The sniffing is to be done tomorrow. I am both afraid and eager. More afraid, to be honest. The treatment costs $900, and it's money I cannot afford.

And as usual, the wife is of no help whatsoever.

Reunification

2011-10-10T08:21:00.001+08:00

Is the "call for reunification" an exhortation for mutual tolerance, or is it a war cry?

Docked

2011-10-09T01:17:00.001+08:00

Two and a half days of cooking - Friday for a steamboat dinner for the mother in law and brother in law, and Saturday night for another steamboat dinner for the mother in law (again), the two brothers in law and their two girlfriends.

On the plus side, i find cooking to be therapeutic (to a certain extent), but on the other end, spending a day and a half of my precious weekend on this does feel a little like a waste of time.

Then again, if I had all that time to myself, I know I'd either play video games or find funny pictures on the net. Either way, those things would be things I'd forget about in a day or two. But spending time with the extended family is something that one remembers somehow, and therefore is considerably more effective a use of time.

Watching Star Wars (a new hope) now, as a reward for making two Outstanding steamboats.

RIP Steve Jobs

2011-10-07T10:01:00.001+08:00

Thank you for the iPhone, despite all the problems it gives me.

Burnnnn

2011-10-05T18:22:00.001+08:00

Seriously burnt out. Depression, fatigue, general loss of will to live.

Life sucks.

Weekend

2011-09-30T18:26:00.001+08:00

Weekend! As if that needed clarification.

Gonna watch "Abduction" later, the one with Taylor lautner. I think it might suck.

After watching a series of documentaries on the end of the world in 2012, all of a sudden I'm not so sure its just one of those "the end is nigh" nonsense. Which brings to mind some morbid and rather interesting thoughts: what will I think of when the world ends? Where will I be? Does the 2012 date follow greenwich time? Or Eastern time? Who will I be with? Will I regret it?

I think I'll be on leave during that period.

Busy little bee

2011-09-28T20:53:00.001+08:00

Fwoah this week was mad.

Good thing I'm on course the next two days so I can unwind a little.

On an unrelated note, I make pretty awesome curry, if I do say so myself.

Nostalgia II

2011-09-19T23:18:00.001+08:00

Despite the lack of space and general messiness, I sort of miss the old place at home.

I think it's just the location. We see more green growing things in queenstown. Here we have buildings, places under construction, and the occasional green plain. And it's INFESTED with insects of all sorts.

Sigh.

Hmmmm

2011-09-19T23:17:00.001+08:00

Just won $30 or so from toto.

Such a series of odd occurrences.

Wtf

2011-09-19T18:21:00.003+08:00

Let me get this clear:

Just because you and your staff happen to want to go on leave on the same day doesn't mean that a completely unrelated person has to go overseas to do your shit for you.

It's your FUCKING JOB. Not mine, bitch.

Viciousness

2011-09-19T18:21:00.001+08:00

I think it's fair to say that of all the things I've learnt along the years, one of the most important thing is to never say anything about the dead unless they're good things.

It's never fair when the person being insulted has no chance to defend himself.

So new boss, take it down a notch please. Just because you don't like that Head doesn't give you the right to insult him when he's dead.

Memento Mori

2011-09-19T14:50:00.001+08:00

Was awoken on Saturday morning by my wife, who told me one of the Heads in my workplace had died of a "massive heart attack".

The weirdest part was that I was dreaming of him chairing a meeting right before I was jolted awake by the news (though I don't know what that means).

The abruptness of news like this always shocks our minds into an inner silence, one where we start evaluating the lives of the person who has passed on, and our own lives in perspective.

Judging by the way I saw him just on Friday, I strongly doubt he knew he was going to die the very next day. Then again, no one is privy to that kind of knowledge, right? We ignore the inevitable while scurrying in our little hamster wheels, scurry scurry scurry. Then when we feel the first pangs of death creep across our hearts, we panic, and think : "oh no, I should have lived my life like this and like this; I should have worked less; I still have so much I want to do; I need to tell so and so I love them before I die", and all these last minute regrets flash across our minds, bringing this massive wave of remorse and regret crashing over our psyche and shocking us awake, for just that brief, helpless moment.

Irony would have it that the very moment when we finally understand and are ready to live our lives, we are unable to do it.

Why wait? You know it's inevitable, don't you? So tell yourself this everyday:

Carpe Diem.

Memento Mori.

Blogger iPhone app!!

2011-09-15T08:29:00.001+08:00

Yay app! Not sure what this does for confidentiality, but it sure is convenient :D

Just had a minor episode of glaring because this big strong man sitting in the reserved seat, upon seeing a heavily pregnant woman board the train, suddenly decided he had urgent business to conduct on his non 3G phone (you can tell by the size of his phone) and ignore said heavily pregnant woman standing in front of him. The lady seated beside wifey in the reserved seat also suddenly developed urgent business on random pieces of paper.

Once my wife gave up her seat (I made her take mine instead), the two ass-shats decided it was safe to look up and listen to music or stare like sheep at people.

Big strong man is clearly gay as a pony.

Some things never change

2011-06-05T22:06:00.004+08:00

I've been dreading work recently.

Not because it's just the typical "oh no, it's Monday again" complaint, but the serious considerations of whether or not only death will be the final release.

So far this has been an interesting life, with many bits I want to change (e.g. my childhood, swinging into DP - I would have learnt to handle it better then) and many bits I wouldn't change for the world. Quantum physics and cause-and-effect theories aside, I think many of us would change something in our lives, unless you're completely satisfied with your childhood and your current life, in which case fuck you.

I guess life used to be more idyllic and more simple in the past, even during my parents' time. Sure things were stressful, but everyone was happy because we had enough to eat and use even with only just one person working. And if both parents decided to work, the kid would be neglected and spoilt, but very well off. Sort of like the kids of today.

Anyway, looking around for a new job while investing weekly in a lottery.

Why people who can imagine should not watch horror shows

2011-05-28T03:13:00.003+08:00

315 am on a Saturday, and I'm up after sleeping for 2 hours.

This is by far, no design of mine - wife suggested we watch "insidious" and I agreed without really checking out what it was. Clearly she forgot I Never sleep well after watching these shows because I have an active imagination and I have a nasty (sometimes useful) unfiltered manner of memorising movies subconsciously and replaying them thereafter in my head. It's partly why I never forget a movie, and why I can tell what movie is on by just watching any segment of the film, even if it only lasts a second or two.

She, on the other hand, forgets it the minute she steps out of the cinema, and has no imagination whatsoever, which also explains why she is sleeping like a log beside me now.

FML.

A Vision Lost

2011-04-29T23:05:00.006+08:00

I've been following the news on General Elections. Not the local news of course, their bias in favour of the ruling party borders on the obscene. I go to yahoo news, or read the forums, and go through youtube or the respective party websites for rally videos, speeches and so on. After years of being fooled by the local/state media, we learn to diversify our research a little to get the full picture. No one stays a fool forever, certainly not when speeches are clearly being taken out of context. I also used to have a little respect for CNA. But judging by their current reporting, it seems they're no longer objective as well. It is a sad state of affairs for the Singapore press, when they are beholden to the parley tricks of one political party.

In any case, it certainly feels like the political parties are gaining tract against the incumbent party, particularly WP, NSP and SDP. Although it still remains to be seen if the popular support these parties enjoy will translate into actual votes on May 7, it is heartening to see that the very people previously labelled "politically apathetic" are now standing up to show the world that they are not, in fact, apathetic.

We're not apathetic or self-absorbed by nature; rather, it is a product of our political environment. Sedition and non-authorised protests carry heavy penalties which not many are willing to suffer, and that brings with it a wind of fear; fear of the authorities that the new immigrants do not seem to appreciate; fear of doing something wrong lest we be punished and everything we have worked hard to achieve taken away from us. Fear so thick, it suffocates us and makes us afraid of looking another person in the eye. And it is that fear, I think, that will translate to votes for the incumbent. Not love, not trust in its track records, and certainly not faith in its future work, but fear. Singaporeans have been cowed sufficiently in the past 20 - 30 years to actually be afraid to vote for other parties. In the past, it was because there were no big, viable opposition parties, with the exception of WP, which won a seat in parliament in 2006. Not so now.

Singaporeans do care about their country. What the incumbent party is doing horribly wrong is that they're still mocking the opposition parties without considering a very fundamental truth - the opposition parties are rallying based on ground sentiments and issues close to the people's hearts. By dismissing the concerns and mocking the opposition rally speeches, they are mocking the issues raised by the people. And I don't know about other citizens, but I tend to get angry when I'm mocked when I raise a serious issue that requires serious solutions. If the incumbent had hoped to discredit the opposition by laughing at their ideas and waving away their concerns, they have made a grevious error, because they've just proven without a doubt that they just don't listen.

I also don't see the issue with having a First World Parliament. From the very beginning I've been perplexed by the over-reaction of the incumbent to opposition MPs in parliament. MPs are all paid 13-16k per month to represent the people, and the total number of seats that WP, the strongest contender so far, can gain is about 23 seats, out of the total of 87 seats. I don't know about you, but I don't think that gives them majority advantage to sway policies in their favour. However, now that the incumbent party has decided to attack the opposition party members' characters (enter gay forums and molest charges ala Anwar Ibrahim), they've opened a whole new can of worms that has exposed one critical characteristic that the incumbent has, hitherto, not paid enough attention to.

Now, before I tell you what it is, know that Singaporeans are infamous for the 3 fears: fear of losing, fear of death, and fear of their wives. We're a nation of very wise people. However, even though it seems that we'd be afraid of just about everything, we have an extremely strong sense of justice. The little tricks used to hoodwink Singaporeans in the past two, three elections have become transparent over time - Not all Singaporeans are forgetful - and the sudden cash gifts, sudden plans for area upgrading and sudden wave of feel-good news - all have not been followed by real wage increments. And that nonsense about the GST makes no sense. Come on, regressive taxes! How does one implement a nation-wide tax without considering the long-term impact this would have on the poor? And nationalising of transport makes it inefficient? Are Singapore civil servants known to be inefficient?

And honestly. U-Save to offset Utilities for 5 months? What about the next 50 -60 years of my life? Am I going to get rebates also? How does giving me 5 months, or 1.5 months in my case, of offsets help me, in the long run? Don't I end up paying more over the next 50 - 60 years? How stupid do you actually think I am? Area upgrading only if I vote for the incumbent? You mean not all taxpayers are the same? Maybe I could pay less taxes, including GST? If not, here's a friendly reminder to the incumbent party:

Do not use the initiation of programmes funded by our tax dollars to threaten, cajole, or negotiate with us.

You will not only get no love from us, you will be met with derision and hostility. It is a fact that should have been acknowledged decades ago, but was accepted as common practice simply because the people did not make "noise" about it.

And one last point. Ministers should not believe their own hype. The people are not a Minister's subjects, because Ministers are not Kings. We are not tools to form the economy with because Ministers are not playing video games where the ends justify the means and the sacriface of weaker peons mean nothing. The people's disgruntlement and disagreement should not be called noise because this is not a militant dictatorship. The only power a Minister has is the power the people accord him. We elect Ministers to represent our interests as human beings in this country, to better our lives and lead everyone upwards. If there are those left behind, any army ranger would tell you that the unit would slow down and have someone go back to bring the slower member up to speed. In Singapore, the easy way out was chosen. Instead of turning back and helping the ones who needed help, we decided to get new members to join us, thereby letting the ones left behind falter, eventually to their demise.

And when our birthrates were falling, we did the one thing no other country dared to do: we imported people instead of addressing ground concerns. Despite the repeated letters to the newspapers, the feedback given through online portals, public forums and even televised debate, no one seemed to listen. It was as if the easiest way out had to be implemented, no matter what anyone said.

So come May 7, and the "freaks" of Singapore deliver a "freak" result, who can you really blame?

Surprises

2011-04-20T11:05:00.001+08:00

Dare I say it?

I hope to be pleasantly surprised come May 2011.

GE 2011

2011-04-18T22:24:00.003+08:00

Many thoughts have been passing through my mind these past few months. In an attempt to straighten my thoughts out, I'm chronicling them here.

First, I bought a PS3 and have been mashing First Person Shooters even though I don't really like them very much. Too bad FF13 sucks, or I'd have been able to have hours of fun. This has also made my past few days very much easier to pass.

Second, the General Elections are looming on the horizon. Recently, a friend of mine pointed out that it is rumoured that Civil Servants who vote for the opposition are eventually found out and have their future promotions quashed indefinitely. And then came the somewhat ominous advice to vote for the incumbent party, lest chaos break out after this GE should the incumbent party not win. I had to point out that despite what the ruling party has said in its rhetoric, the Ruling Party =/= the Government. So even if the opposition party was to be elected, the government would still be there, just with adjustments done to the way things are done, or perhaps even to the direction of certain policies. To infer that the opposition winning = chaos is a difficult leap of logic, since the opposition members aren't anarchists or self-absorbed Mercenaries.

One point that I find somewhat poignant is the ruling party's mechanisms have come back to bite them, and bite them hard. They have ruled for many decades under the assumption that all is well, and people are pleased with them. And all the while, with the advent of the internet age, netizens (and hence, citizens) have been expressing their mounting unhappiness over policies implemented, the costs of living, the unabated influx of foreign labour such that every where we turn, we no longer see Singaporeans, one people and one nation - we see foreigners who, dare I say it, invade our way of living, our carefully cultivated culture and sensitivities (yes, no one sees them, but they're there).

The daily complaints by the netizens go largely ignored (note, not unnoticed), and the incumbent party is starting to see that ignoring or patronizing the ground sentiments, even if they were to come from an unrefined medium such as the internet, would cause such an avalanche of outrage to pour out when the opportunity presented itself. They forget, the medium of choice of the people who are denied their voice in the real world is the voice in the cyber world. Through the internet, sentiments are shared, experiences are linked, and the people start to realise that it's not just them; it's everyone. And that's when they realise the pan is getting hotter, and they really should start jumping out soon before they're boiled.

Through the wisdom of the crowds, an assessment of reality is reached, far more accurate than the small department of magistrates, or the mighty minister. The peasants reach a verdict, and decide on their pitchforks. The incumbent party's misunderstanding that they are still in power because they are appreciated, and not because there is no viable opposition is not lost on the citizens. For years the citizens had been mere whiners, complaining and lamenting, but never more than citizens expressing concern in the crude way they know. But with so many years of botched policies, the poorly justified excuses and rising resentment over the costs of living, the forever extending retirement age (can I retire now? No. What about now? No. Ok forget it, I'll just die while working at Mcdonald's and throw myself into the trash can.) and CPF payout (which, ironically enough, is our money to begin with), the bad infrastructure planning laid out prior to opening the floodgates to, well, a figurative flood of foreign labour, the handling of MSK, IRs, HDB prices - all of which have cracked the invulnerable facade of the incumbent government, and the people have been lusting for a proper team of opposition members to appear, just so that they can vote for them.

And as if not recognising this wasn't bad enough, the incumbent party proceeds to hammer the final nail into their own coffin (quite a feat, all things considered). Enter Tin Pei Ling.

Now, US elections has already showed us, quite clearly, that finding a person to represent or appeal to a particular group (Republican soccer moms, anyone?) is a weaselly tactic that serves probably as filler material for the tabloids. Everyone thinks it's fun to read about but no one really wants to vote for them.

Many peple think Sarah Palin's pretty, but no one really wants to vote for her. And remember the flak and backlash Senator John McCain received when his choice was revealed and Palin proved herself unable to stand up to public scrutiny. Now, understand we're talking about John McCain, a man who was widely respected, even by his enemies, and who was respected for serving his country and sacrifacing much of himself for it (though later kickbacks from lobbyists would blemish this image). I am not certain what propelled the incumbent party to try the same tactic, knowing they're already not well received by the public.

And now we see from the internet forums that despite the party's best efforts to clarify, and the mainstream media's subtle manipulation, the people are no longer fooled, bullied, or afraid.

I was talking to my Mother in Law just yesterday and she was telling me how she was penalised $600 in the 1980s when she gave birth to her third son because of the "Stop at Two" policy. $600 was a massive amount back then, and on top of the three children she now had to take care of, there was the hospitalisation fee and the less than attractive maternity benefits. And now, of course, the incumbent party is quite literally, begging women to give birth.

That's what happens when politicians act geneticists, or try to tweak birthrates. There is a reason why developing economies have high birth rates, and developed economies have low birth rates. As the society progresses and the economy becomes more vibrant, materialism becomes a creature of its own (why else would you work?) - people want more, want better, and they desire freedom above all. Why bring a child into this world when you can barely support yourself or your lifestyle with the salary you have? And look, there's so much to do! Movies, pubbing, drinks, hikes, travelling, seeing the world, having fun! So what do people in developing countries do? Nothing. Their salaries are low, so they try to stay home. Even if there're activities to do, they can't afford them. And it's boring at home. So they hump like rabbits and make babies. And hence the population booms.

We see this in Japan, and now in Singapore. In Singapore, however, the wound is self-afflicted. Well, thoughts aside, it's getting late, and I have to turn in. More thoughts tomorrow, if I'm not otherwise too preoccupied with my PS3 to bear children or chronicle my thoughts.

2011-04-13T16:18:00.002+08:00

I get it boss, you don't like me.

But since I don't like you either, it's mutual, so stop making decisions on things you know nothing about.

That's not leadership, that's just tragic floundering.

2011-03-29T18:14:00.002+08:00

I had once thought that the completion of my degree would mean a step towards the light, and that my faith would being me joy and peace. But no, that is not to be.

It seems that my lot in life can be aptly surmised by one word: 怒り. Rage. Rage against all that is wrong, rage against the shit I've had to go through, to endure just so I can get to where I am now and still be fucked, rage against people, rage against empty promises, rage against all that is supposed to be fair and good which turns out to be just the opposite, rage against life and the hollowness of it all. Rage so intense it kills my soul, a little a day. Rage so deep it calls from me even as I attempt to hide it with niceties and frivolity. Rage so overpowering it seeks to cripple my senses and fill it with a red-tinged blood lust roaring for blood and the lives of those who are responsible, and for the things that have no target to maim, it screams for wanton destruction, unprincipled and unbridled, to rip everything apart and stand over the mangled bodies, bellowing at the emptiness of insanity and hearing our voice echoing back.

It stands, bloodied and insane, and it growls,"WHERE. IS. MY. PEACE."

Revelations?

2011-03-25T10:28:00.003+08:00

I've decided to give it one more shot before saying what Tom Hanks says in Angels and Demons ("Faith is a gift I have yet to receive").

It's been a harrowing year last year and this. First my apartment is fucked up, my supervisor at work fucks me up, then my grandmother passes away. Then this year, my old man gets into an accident and goes to the hospital for a day or two, then just yesterday my mother went into hospital for food poisoning (she was discharged yesterday evening). I'm stuck with drafting a recommendation paper that would make me the target of possible widespread derision and anger, but I have no choice but to push ahead with it, and it's only March now. The rest of the year doesn't look good for me, and not to mention the fact that disasters have been picking up in the rest of the world since last year. Earthquakes, tsunamis, typhoons, genocide, murders - they're all picking up pace at an alarming rate.

Revelations?

2011-03-09T23:18:00.001+08:00

Heaven and Hell. Do these places exist? How will one know which belief is the right one until it's our time?

2011-03-08T23:20:00.000+08:00

Note to self: Blasphemy and Kafka's Metamorphosis before bedtime = bad night.

Tired

2011-03-04T10:19:00.000+08:00

Busy busy busy.

Man, am I tired.

NATAS

2011-03-02T11:21:00.002+08:00

Presentations are really tiring.

Preparing for them, delivering them, hoping to not choke, answering questions and hoping you're not sounding idiotic or foolish in general is tiring, too.

Travel plans from NATAS!

June - Batam for a weekend getaway;
August - Hong Kong for a 5 day getaway! :D This cost me an arm and a leg, and I could only afford the deposit for now. Paying the rest by July.

Hoping for a December trip somewhere in Taiwan or some other place cheap.

Agnosticism beckons once more

2011-03-01T10:04:00.004+08:00

For a minute there, I was really surprised to see facebook and gmail had been unblocked by our office. Turns out it was probably just a technical glitch.

I've been thinking.

Of all the things that have been happening in my life, I can't say for sure if I've been a good person. Based on Old Testament (OT) Christianity's strict idea of the Law, I'm sure I'm not, though I don't steal, kill or commit adultery or any of that. However, I find my eyes wandering whenever an attractive woman with nice legs walks past me, which, based on Jesus' standards of those committing the sin in my heart and mind, would make me a sinner already.

Based on the NT though, by Jesus' sacriface, I'm completely free of sin, and that liberation would compel me to do the right things, which would make me a good person.

So the NT says that God has given me His free favours and salvation and all I need to do is to receive - hence "the Good News". Yet when I look back at my life and see all the shittiness, and try to justify the bad things that have happened as "God teaching me a lesson", it turns out that I simply can't believe in a God, a Loving Father, screwing me over just so I can "Learn My Lesson". It'd be too much like my physical father, who beat me up for no reason, except that he wanted me to learn some lessons following his misguided moral compass.

Persecution by a violent anti-christian sought to teach me what, exactly? The constant despair and lack of money taught me what, exactly?

How, if God was mighty, did He not save my grandmother, my grandfather; why did He not provide for me in my deepest, darkest hour of need? Instead I had to turn inwards, to myself, to my own strength. No, the strength was not God-given. I tried praying and it didn't work. Only in that deep despair, when I saw no help, did I give up trusting in God and trusted myself, and that was the only way I turned myself around. By focusing, by gritting my teeth, not looking at God anymore and carrying on by myself. No, I did not have smooth sailing. I faced problems along the way and I had issues that needed to be solved. But solve them I did, by myself, and all of that was done while I was fiercely agnostic.

The 8 years I had to work before I could start my degree, setting me back from my peers by a solid decade in terms of earning power and experience has done nothing to convince me that there is a God that looks after me. Is this my God? One who does not provide and has horrible timing and only screws us over, and perhaps only gives us juuuusst enough to get by?

So there it is, I've said it.

I find myself less and less able to believe in a divine entity who looks after me by not looking after me. By screwing me over time and time again while I think of reasonable justifications for His actions and trying to make sense of tragedy in my life. Between trusting in God and seeing nothing happen and not believing anything and not seeing anything happen, I cannot see the difference. Has life gotten better after I started believing? No. Has my DP been cured? No. Am I more able to buy nice things for myself? No. Am I earning more? Yes! But only after a decade of striving to get my degree while I was screwed over by just about EVERYTHING. Can I attribute my success to God? I'm not sure, but at this point in time, I'm leaning towards a resounding "NO". Because if it were up to God, I'd have succeeded 8 solid years ago.

Enough of this "He has a plan for me", or "It could have been worse but He made it not as bad", or "He will provide" or "He gives me strength". Enough of feeling like bad things happen because someone up there wants it to happen and I should just take it all cheerfully and optimistically. Enough of this thinking that it'll all be alright in the near future, because I've waited more than 30 years and it sure as FUCK isn't alright yet.

2011-02-25T15:22:00.003+08:00

Multi-tasking ROCKs. Here I am, reading a report, researching into some chemicals, making random notes on my research, considering the finer points of setting up a meeting, going through my to-do list mentally, reading a webcomic to stop myself from falling asleep (despite 4 cups of coffee so far), and not squirming despite my full bladder.

Which also explains why I crash whenever I get home and don't feel like doing anything except slouch on the sofa and watch Fox Crime.

I wanna start something.

Tiring Ownership

2011-02-23T21:58:00.003+08:00

Since using a powdery insecticide containing pyrethrin (the label simply says "Ant Killer"), the booklice seem to have subsided in numbers substantially. The kitchen should be clean of them since I haven't seen one for the past few weeks; and the other rooms would have been clean if I hadn't spotted two in my main bed room sometime back and then in the main bedroom toilet as well. I've done quite a thorough job of using the powder again but it seems they're quite persistent.

Since they're not increasing in numbers and the powder (which also has a residual effect of 3 - 6 months) seems to be doing its job and repelling or killing them, I think it's safe to say they don't have a nest in my home; which means they must be coming from outside of our apartment. This is further proven by my spotting several booklice crawling along the corridor outside of our apartment and even spotting some on our door posts. I've had to call the Town Council (which directed me to HDB, which then directed me back to the Town Council. Fan-fucking-tastic) which promised to fumigate the place and rid them once and for all.

Owning a house is difficult. I've had termites trying to nest here, cockroaches crawling in from the service yard even though I'm higher than 10 floors, spiders, miscellaneous crawling things and flying things and all sorts of critters. Home ownership is really tiring.

Miss Running

2011-02-23T11:53:00.004+08:00

I really need to start running again. I miss the sweet smell of dew in the morning, the cool wind in my face and watching the sunlight creep over the night sky like water over smooth rocks on the beach. I miss running.

Update: The tuna/rosemary sandwich I made tastes pretty good, once I manage to suppress the gag reflex.

Of Scales and Ladders

2011-02-23T11:05:00.004+08:00

Once again, back into the fray.

I've just been emplaced on a permanent scheme!

While contemplating on this, I realised that my life has really been a roller coaster of sorts, though I have to congratulate myself a little on my efforts bringing me thus far. I did ok for my 'A' levels, and would have opted to go into a private Uni like SIM (no A-math requirement weeee), if not for the "dire straits of my family finances", which was a load of bollocks.

From the age I came out from NS I started working, in Sales, Telemarketing, Logistics, and finally Administration, where I found the greatest ease and flexibility in terms of time and mental freedom. In all of those jobs, I always started at the bottom of the food chain.

2 years working in sales and contract services made me understand the difficulty of working with people, and how unreasonable Singaporean customers could be.

Another 2.5 years in a stat board working in a system I didn't really believe in, in close proximity with sycophantic and malicious colleagues, made me give up religion and turn agnostic. I resigned a few months after I was emplaced in a permanent position.

Then I finally got lucky; working in a proper office in proper administration in a government ministry, where colleagues were nice and the pay was agreeable (a gross of $1.2k, not good but not too shabby), and it was only 20 minutes away from home. Over the next 2 years, my pay rose by a hundred or so, and I negotiated with my mother to reduce the household allowances I had to give her by $200 (from $300 to $100), and perhaps due in part to her subconscious guilt at denying me the chance to go University 6 years ago, and seeing how I was already 27 and was clearly getting nowhere, she agreed.

Over the next 3 years, I put away $600 every month, out of my $1,120 nett salary (after CPF - one of my most common curses was on CPF), to pay for the degree course I took up. Initially I had my concerns about whether or not I would be able to keep up, considering I had been away from school for a good 8 years. Problems of memory apart, I wasn't even sure if I would be able to read through a textbook without falling asleep (turns out I wasn't able to stay awake after all).

So over the 3 years I was studying, I conscientiously (and with a great deal of coffee) plotted all my textbook text and details into short, colorful pointers which I could look at and try to reason out myself with some help from the textbook. This method helped me understand and remember the facts, such that they became second nature to me, to the extent that I had issues remembering the points because they seemed so common-sensical to me. Thus I had to resort to mnenomics, which then helped me pass tests. I graduated after 3 years with a second upper hons in Marketing, and left my previous organisation with sincere regret and a hope that things would get better.

I landed myself a new job in an executive position, seeing my salary effectively DOUBLE in the space of a month, implemented a legislative amendment (two actually, but one probably doesn't count), and got emplaced into a permanent position. To say I did not put in effort or to say that God blessed me with this improvement in my life would be unfair to me, when all of this is put into perspective. If God had blessed me, I would have gotten my degree 6 years ago. I would have been in an Executive position 6 years ago, gotten myself a good life, learnt to love myself and probably be more balanced than I am today. My mental faculties would have been more developed and refined, rather than the blunt edge I am today. I'd feel like I could relate to people my age, instead of always feeling inferior, or be secretly jealous of them and their normal lives.

If I had simply trusted God and done nothing, I would still be in a dead-end, low-level job, cursing life and despairing of it.

And it is now that I look back on all this and realise that it is not wrong to demand a good life, and to work for it. It is wrong, however, to depend on a divine entity and hope that you will become rich, or powerful, or clever, or strong, or even be healed, just because you mumble to it and feel truly desperate when you're mumbling. Your desperation is inconsequential to the divine person, simply because the divine entity is divine; and your humanity compared to is just filth.

Sense and WHAT THE FUCK

2011-02-09T09:35:00.003+08:00

Long rambling rant ahead.

Let me start from the beginning. I've just finished renovation on my apartment somewhere in Punggol recently, andthe entire process of renovation had left me severely jaded and angry because the ID was completely incompetent and made us do more legwork than was necessary. Plus, it was expensive and the quality was damned bad.

And best of all, when we were planning the house, we had planned a room for my grandmother (who was suffering from acute leukemia at that time) to stay in - painted aquamarine with white furnishings, which looked bright and cheery. We had hoped she'd be able to see the first apartment any of her grandsons had done up (I'm the only grandson who had gotten married and gotten an apartment so far), but because the ID decided it was a good idea to do other projects and leave our apartment just about completely empty for a month, my grandmother never got to see the apartment. She passed away on November 21st, a full month before the apartment was completed.

I know for a fact (based on forum banter with likeminded individuals) that most people would have sued the living daylights out of the company or made numerous complaints and posted so many negative reviews that the company would have gone bankrupt within the year. Nevertheless, since we had moved in, we wanted to live in relative peace, so we didn't comment further.

But then the booklice issue arose. Booklice are essentially psocids (so-kids), and do nothing harmful except populate exponentially and feed on starchy stuff like rice, pasta, bread and even glue binding books (hence "book"lice) and mould on walls or books. To exterminate them, since I had no idea where they were coming from, I invested up to $1,000. $200 for a bed-bug detection dog to ensure these weren't bedbugs, $899 for a dehumidifier because, according to some websites, the creatures would "shrivel up and die" when the humidity was below 50 (This turned out to be COMPLETE BULLSHIT.) I even sprayed half a can of Baygon and half a can of Shieldtox trying to kill these critters and they still came back. I bought at least 30 thirstyhippo type dehumidifiers.

Until I came across this powdery insecticide containing pyrrethrin, which was supposed to kill them dead. It actually worked, though powdering all my cupboards with an insecticide did little in the way of kitchen sanitation. Within the course of 2 weeks, after careful dusting daily, the critters were all but gone, with but one or two stragglers which were easily taken care of.

Then I spotted a large number of them in the service yard, and I blasted the entire yard with the insecticide. Mission accomplished, not a single one found after a week. Then just yesterday, found 2 more in my bed room. Blasted the bedroom before I left for work.

And on the way to work, started thinking about religion. Yeah, it's going to be that kind of post.

On Faith and Religion

My missus told me just the other night that we should start doing the Holy Communion again, because it seemed as if we were drifting further and further away from God. I didn't want to tell her this, but on my end, it was probably subconscious, and somewhat deliberate.

My ruminations on the past 31 years of my life, the shit I've had to endure, the constant, unfailing lack of money (if fundamentalists say poverty makes us holy, then I must be FUCKING holy, cos I've been working hand-to-mouth for all the years I've been working) and now not even a safe place to sleep despite spending all my monthly salary all gave rise to an inescapable conclusion: "What. The. Fuck."

The relationship between me and God was something like that of a servant and a powerful, deadly King who wanted to be friends - on the one hand, you think you're really lucky to have this King as your friend, cos he's so powerful and rich and all, then you realise (usually when it's too late) that you know nothing about how your King behaves because he just doesn't tell you why. And when he's angry, heads literally roll. But you're happy to be under his protection... except on days when he's not keen to protect you. And you're happy he's giving you money because he loves you.. except when he doesn't want to give you money. Y'know, so's you learn how starvation, poverty and desperation feels like, every once in a while.

I used all the typical excuses to try to find my faith footing on this slippery slope: "God's testing you, making you strong", "God averted the worst", "God gave you money and strength just enough to tackle these problems", "God will bless you soon" (my favourite), "If you truly believe!", "God works in mysterious ways!" (another favourite), "God's plan for you is long term! You never know how a bug infestation might help you in your future life!" etc etc etc. I even tried to remember what was good in the past 31 years of my life, Pre-Christianity and Post-Christianity. And guess what? Nothing's changed. In fact, one of my missus' aunt also converted to Christianity, and promptly unconverted, because in her words, "life wasn't so bad before she became Christian". Being a Christian for me was like how things got worse before they got worse.

And y'know what? It's TIRING. It sucks that WE have to justify God's actions so that we can find some sense in it. Blind faith would not be called blind faith otherwise, wouldn't it? Closing our eyes when our loved ones beat the shit out of us and telling ourselves they still love us, that they're just having a bad day (yeah right, for the past 10 years)? Or perhaps we should self-flagellate and blame ourselves for it? Oh we sinners, we sin and so we are punished, even though Jesus took all our sins and makes us sinless and hence the sinners are punished for sins that're forgiven, therefore the sinless are punished for sins oh wow look at that, paradox.

I won't even say none of Christianity makes sense, because in the first place, it's not supposed to. But I guess it's all about what you can believe in, and whether faith will make you stronger, and more stable, or weaker and more insane.

Guess which one I'm becoming?

Of freefalling red peppers

2011-02-07T10:30:00.003+08:00

Another day at work.

Since joining this place, I've had many thoughts (most of them unpleasant) about how the place works, and having seen the shortfalls and gaps in this place, I personally believe it'll take senior management quite a lot of effort to change things, and that the change would not come in a year or two, but likely in at least five years.

That said, I have to admit that I'm not all that committed to this job to even weakly raise a protest since it doesn't seem worth it. I've always been a bit of an idealist, raising concerns to senior management whenever I see something wrong or when I think an idea's worth considering, and most of the time I get ignored, until that very thing I told them about goes wrong or the first mover initiative is snatched out from their hands. Then they wring their hands and complain, while I groan inwardly and facepalm.

I've sent out many applications so far, hoping I'll get some news soon.

New job gripes

2010-03-15T19:37:00.003+08:00

Started a new job recently, and despite my initial intention to blog as much as possible, the office quite unfortunately blocks gmail and facebook.

And also laughably blocks internet content once you hit 10mb of info, which is far faster than you think. I'm having to resort to work when I'm home because I reach the 10mb quota so quickly in my quest to find info on various obscure chemical names and legislation that I barely manage to get any info at all.

Good thing they're upping the quota (soon, anyway).

AND my phone's not working after 2 weeks, too. AND I've actually bought my own stationery, too.

Last Day in TP

2010-02-26T00:09:00.000+08:00

4.5 years ago, I sat in a small office somewhere in Jurong, waiting for the temp recruiter to scrutinize my resume and ask me questions to find positions for me with stable working hours.

A few days later, I found myself interviewing for a position at the newly set up Quality WP Department, in front of a fearsome lady who exhibited the sharpness and focus of a shark moving in for the kill. The young Director employed me soon after to take over the MSO position which was being vacated by Jenny, a sweet lady who was organised, well-liked and efficient. The first week on the job was challenging, because there was simply so much to do!

The lady Director left a couple of years after, and was taken over by a very friendly and extremely competent and sharp guy Director. He did fantastically in his job and I did my best to support him as a PA (though I must admit, I fell short of his very exacting and high standards frequently and he never once blamed me for it), and respected him greatly, even though I sometimes made fun of him. To me, he was the personification of the person I'd have liked to be, had not life handed me a tough game to play.

After he left, the previous HR Director (another lady boss!) took over his job, and she was a really really nice lady - well-liked, respected and extremely capable. In the course of her tenure, we shifted floors and did some massive packing. I worked with her for another few months, but because of some clashes in the culture, she left to set up a consultant business which is doing famously well now.

And then came in the new male Director, and a new Head was assigned to me and I was put in a new team. I'd worked with the Head previously (as a colleague, not a boss) and he is such a nice guy to work with - good with the big picture, competent and able to see all the nuances of the situation which is so rare in bosses.

All these happened in the past 4.5 years.

Today's my last day at work, and the entire day went by so fast I didn't have time to really think too much about what the guys would be thinking as I was packing up.

First thing in the morning, I got a cup of coffee from Clermont with a piece of custard bread, and proceeded to start packing the QWPD Files. For the better part of the morning I packed, interrupted by Leon and Pei Yu to ask about whether if I would prefer to try the shirt they got for me before or after lunch.

12.15pm, we set off for lunch at Suanthai, Clarke Quay (Liang Court) - food was actually quite expensive but alright - had the stuffed chicken drumsticks, green curry, tom yum, fish cakes, prawn cakes. Opened the Zara shirt ($89.90), and was told to use a word to describe everyone and everyone used a word to describe me. The descriptions were along the lines of "resourceful, creative, romantic, detailed, helpful, witty".

After lunch, walked back to office and continued to pack. Had a long exit interview talk with Tong Teck and got good advice - be sincere and let your character show in your actions; if your character is good and you are sincere, you will show yourself to be a good person without trying.

Didn't manage to finish packing by 6.30pm, so had to leave a lot of stuff with Inn for her to help me with. (Note to self: Give treat to inn) Then proceeded to distribute sweets with the help of Winston and cleared up my workstation once and for all. Left the staff pass on Catherine's table, and Leon helped me move one of the 2 boxes to the back exit (near Clermont) where wifey was waiting. Got a cab and went back home.

And there it was - 4.5 years of work, of friendship, griping, laughs, frustrations and fun ending in a day that almost perfectly personified the entire experience I had had in MOM.

Farewell TP1 and TP2 - I'll miss all the wonderful people whom I've worked with, and will treasure all the experiences and lessons learnt through these 4.5 years.

Come Monday, I'll be starting a new chapter in my life, one that promises new challenges, new friendships and demands a quantum leap in terms of thinking, of analysis, writing, and general mental capabilities. I look forward to it with some amount of trepidation, but with a confident expectation that after all I've gone through in the past 2 decades, there is no limitation to what I can do, because not only have I gained a great deal of experience and knowledge, I've also discovered one important point: God is on our side, and He Provides.

Another rant upon rant

2010-02-11T16:05:00.002+08:00

11th February 2010 9.30am

Was called up for an exit interview by one of the HR staff and she conveniently disappeared at the aforesaid time.

This particular HR Staff, of course, also happens to be a perennial thorn in my side - 4 years ago when I first came in, my conversion to an internal contract staff (from being a staff being contracted by an agency) was smooth and almost instantaneous, within the course of a year. The shift from contract to permanent took slightly longer, partially attributable to this HR staff member, whom I shall call ML.

ML came in a Manager, like most graduates with some experience. She also came in with very curly hair and a fashion sense that belonged firmly in the 60s, by which I mean it should be locked in the 60s by fear of death because it consists of very bright and flowery patterns, flamboyant and yet supremely gaudy accents.

In the course of 3 years, she sprang 3 ranks to be Senior Manager, Head, then Assistant Director. In my entire 7 years in the civil service, I have never seen anyone, not even ivy-league scholars who are also absolutely competent (not always a paradox) spring up this fast. And to top it all of, no one she works with remotely likes her. The only conclusion I can draw is that she has some connections that we are not aware of.

In any case, despite her meteoric rise to fame, everyone else advanced with all the speed of a dying snail. The one thing she was almost impeccable in was her dedication to bureaucracy - being able to administer effectively and efficiently, getting things on time and making sure rules are followed. In most cases, this would be a pretty good administrator. The issue here is that she is not an administrator. She works in the Human Resource Department, which necessitates a certain amount of compassion and almost poignant hope for humanity and the human spirit. It also necessitates a desire to see the existing workforce in the organisation advance beyond what they're capable of and being the best that they can be. It also involves motivating employees, which she completely fails at.

And yet, despite the fact that I was doing the work of someone 5 ranks higher than me, I never advanced past my current rank. All the bosses I worked with tried their darnedest to get me into a higher grade, so I would be able to get the salary that was due for someone working diligently, getting things done on time and making sure rules are followed (sound familiar?) and being resourceful enough to find solutions to problems that some of our graduate officers encounter and are unable to solve. And everytime they tried, they ran into ML's bureaucracy, and because their tenure happened to be short, they didn't manage to finish what they started (one posted out to a higher position in another organisation, another resigned to start a company that I hear is doing very well now) and I was left here, stewing, simmering in my incandescent rage in the fact that the world was simply unjust.

So here I am, awaiting an exit interview from the person I hate the most in this organisation - the person who clearly goes against the entire thrust and value of the organisation and yet manages to rise so fast because one of my ex-bosses simply trusted that she was a good manager (that ex-boss became my boss, tried to help me rise but failed and resigned thereafter to start up her own company). Which reminds me of a humourous limerick I saw in the toilet years ago - scottish, I believe:

Here I Sit
Broken hearted
Came to shit
Only farted

And I feel something very much like irritation, yet somewhat fouler and less convival than irritation - something bordering on moody frustration and animal rage. It is a most unpleasant emotion to have, and I only wish it would go away together with ML.

In any case, rant over. Been really sleepy these days cos the missus has been coming home slightly later (yesterday was because of a choir practice session), and feeling the desire to talk past midnight. I do feel that is a most deplorable habit, partially I've been trained to sleep at 10.30, latest 11.00, in the hope that I would be sound asleep at 12midnight (I take a rather long while to fall asleep).

What makes matters worse is that I've been having my nightmares again. Very rarely do I have a good night's sleep, because I stir and awake after every nightmare assails me, and even when I drop back to sleep, the nightmares have a habit of continuing, either to make the nightmarish plot complete, or to start a new chapter in the sinister and oddly bohemian nightmare storybook.

So Very Tired.

I suspect that is partially what is zapping my sense of humour away. I'm almost finding myself unable to think critically, speak coherently (or even think coherently, for that matter), and I find my general ability to find the alternative point of view has become dimmed and somewhat wet (for want of a better word).

The other is, of course, the fact that I haven't had much opportunity to read ever since the missus started on korean dramas. They're always so soppy, so teary and so screechy I find it impossible to read a single sentence without looking up with irritation to find out what in the devils is making that sound. Plus, the actors/actresses reactions are always a far cry from what would really happen in real life. In korea, this is what happens.

A steal J's husband, C.
C tries to kill J so he can be with A
J survives and plots revenge
A and C get married
J transforms herself to look gorgeous and becomes C's mistress
J makes A look bad =(
C marries J and divorces A
A and C are eventually incarcerated for trying to kill J.
A and C die eventually from some foreign sickness.
J marries another man
Touching Korean Music Plays

Lol Wut

THIS is what happens in real life:

Aili steals J's husband
J kills Aili
Husband kills J
J's brother kills Husband
Aili's son waits 20 years to grow up and kills J's brother
Aili's son is incarcerated and sodomised
As ending credits roll to the touching scene of Aili's son being sodomised, the 4 dead folks appear, for some unknown reason, in the skies above a beach, smiling beatifically
Touching Korean Music Plays

Lol Wut

Touching my ass, is what.

I read that the korean viewers didn't want A and C to die horribly, so they "gave them a second chance" (they still died so wtf is the point), and had them appear in the skies giving the impression that they were really happy, wherever they were.

I don't see the logic behind this. If A and C are such bad people, WHY THE HELL ARE THEY SO HAPPY? It sends the wrong message. Korean women are just going to start stealing husbands because they think they're all going to end up beaming (but dead. An important point to note) in the skies on some beach.

I JUST KIDDING HAHAHAHA =D

Dammit, why am I indemnifying myself on my own blog?

Merde lah!

2010-02-10T15:46:00.002+08:00

Packing has officially begun.

Having to cart off or destroy 4.5 years of work, which has become a second life to me (almost), and where the people have become comfortable additions to my daily routine is always a difficult thing to do. Every corner you turn to, every note-filled scrap of paper you unearth is filled with memories and bittersweet melancholy, and K feels so melancholic he thinks he should stuff a wad of burning paper up his arse because he's getting too touchy-feely for his own good.

We see in the news recently of a pastor making fun of other religions which has created a wealth of backlash, and K just feels this is wrong (the making fun part, not the backlash, which was to be expected, duh). In all religions, there is a certain element of esoterism, some enigma which cannot be unravelled and a history of persecution. The problem with overly cocky Christians treating other religions with derision is that the other religions can just as easily do it to us (I'm Christian), and it's never a defensible position. After all, we're talking about faith - belief in things that cannot be seen - not science here. A scientist mocking another scientist for coming up with a thesis on, say, the positive effects of fecal bacteria in food, can easily prove it by doing some research and coming up with physical evidence of the error. This cannot be done with religion.

Which brings me to a particular point for Christians to note.

DON'T BE A TURD HEAD.

Making fun of other people just isn't decent, and if you do something like that, reprisals are sure to come a-knocking. And in the case of religion, you can forget about reprisals just affecting you - it'll affect the reputation of all believers in that religion.

So for crying out loud, THINK BEFORE YOU DO STUPID SHIT. Just because you're stupid doesn't mean we like other people to think we're as stupid as you are.

I believe Freud would, at this point in time, point out my subconscious constipation which has led me to say things like "arse", "fecal", "Turd", and "shit", and he'd be spot on, because I am constipated.

4 days to Valentine's 2010

2010-02-09T11:26:00.003+08:00

I've been asked to be someone's "brother" for a wedding! That's really exciting, not to mention quite stressful since I'm not exactly a bright and cheery person to begin with.

Countdown to Valentine's Day and CNY, 4 days!

The missus told me not to buy anything for V-day this year since I might not be able to receive my salary in March, but I got 2 boxes of Royce chocs and a teddy bear anyway. We'll settle the finances when the time comes.

Countdown to leaving this 4.5 year stop-gap measure, 16 days!

Happy happy joy joy.

Of proper branding

2010-02-05T10:51:00.002+08:00

I am usually critical of the marketing scene in Singapore, because it's heavily commercialised and filled with people who want to live the sex-and-the-city high life without having to think too much, and they produce cliched and over-used ideas (which are almost always overly indulgent).

But to be fair, the products they have to market are sometimes pure trash. And the worst part is that sometimes, the best products in the world are killed simply by having the wrong name (insert allegory of ipad to menstruation here).

And today we see the newest possible victim of this: the Joojoo.

It sounds perfectly innocuous until you sharpen the pronounciation slightly, whereby you end up with the almost perfect articulation of the chinese slang for "penis". This therefore automatically demands a Kerio-Scenario.

"Hey babe...Wanna touch my joo joo?"

"It's 12.1 inches long!"

"But it's not very accurate or responsive."

"And it weighs 1.1 kg!"

"Now retailing for US$499 at all major stores."

Why not?

2010-02-04T14:00:00.003+08:00

My supervisor recently commented that the government was slowing the intake of foreign workers in a rare move to appease the general public (I'm not sure if he was being sarcastic or just blunt), and I have to say I disagree to a certain extent.

The incumbent government has been in power since 1965, and usually the government will do what is best for the country, and assume that the benefits of a economically strong and stable country will cascade down to the individuals who make up the country.

To a certain extent, that is true - since the independence of Singapore, we've made exponential advances in the effectiveness of our transportation system, our educational system, our sewage system (more important than you think), housing, defence, and most importantly financial system. However, one thing I've always pointed out (since 4 years ago when I started this blog) was that Singapore would never be a country like the developed countries because we lack the culture. In that I mean the history, legend and so on that other countries have in great abundance. We're a relatively young country with no history of civil wars like the Confederates vs the Union, or the Warring States in China; we have no folklores and legends like that of the Romance of the 3 Kingdoms, no national icons (the only ones we have are food and a fictional and confused mammal-amphibian). It's difficult to tell us our Singapore is our Singapore when we can only think of laksa and mee siam when asked what makes us Singaporean. Or worse, Singlish, littering and fines. But that is beside the point for this entry today.

The point today is about the tempering of the foreign-intake of workers. In business we learn that there are several factors to consider when making any sort of decisions, and it seems that these have been forgotten in favour of economic success. Costs always entail more than just financial costs - we need to look at PEST factors (biz mgmt 101, much?) like politics, environment, social and technological.

If I were to just spread out my thoughts without being afraid of offending anyone, the first thing I would have thought of would be the social costs of increasing the number of foreigners into Singapore, not to mention the possible breakdown of law and order. We have to understand that most Singaporeans grow up (at least, those born before 1990) with an almost irrational fear of the police - and we therefore try as much as possible to keep within the statutes, though of course incidents of speeding, jaywalking and beating red-lights will still occur.

The issue is cost - by importing foreign workers (transitory workers), companies can afford to have lower total costs, and hence higher profits, which can then be used to expand horizontally or vertically, and consequently hire more workers. But as a result, we also deflate wages of the lower-income group, and to a certain extent even the middle-income group, who form the majority of the voting public. It's important not to forget that the high-income group and elites only form about 10 - 20% of the population of Singapore (though perhaps now this is probably like, 25%), and if push comes to shove, the likelihood of winning elections with slightly more than 25% of the population approving is zero.

But in global business we also learn that without importing foreign workers, we deprive these developing countries the chance to reach their full potential. And yet we need to consider the fact that these countries also lack proper governance (not to mention the fact that corruption is rife)and hence even with unlimited funds, would still only advance at a very gradual rate. Which is also part of the reason why I feel one of the goals of ASEAN to reach actual labour mobility within the Co-operation Zone is more or less a foregone conclusion, unless the governments start
focusing on training and education and revamping their entire educational framework.

And of course, it has also dawned on the government that as a result of hiring foreign workers, the transportation system would be over-stressed, productivity would fall, and Singaporeans born and bred would feel less committed than ever to the country they were born in. Why would they? What's in it for them, when developed countries like Australia, America, Canada and so on are actively recruiting, and their weather is so much better? At least they have the 4 seasons. Here, it's just hot and humid all the time.

I still believe that there are more than enough viable markets for growth within Singapore if these areas were explored - Marketing in particular has tremendous potential - we have the IT expertise, the arts students, we have massive markets and fantastic opportunities if only some attention was paid to it. Psychology, social sciences, economics - all of these hold unlimited potential for growth if only more focus was put on educating and expanding knowledge in these areas so we can become the regional, if not global authority on all things knowledge-based.

After all, why not?

We must follow all the steps

2010-02-03T19:51:00.003+08:00

Things are going well.

Our house should be ready sometime this year (although the HDB sanctioned date is Jul 2011), I've just gotten a new job, and the missus is doing alright at her current job.

She's received some work proposalsfrom her previous mentor, a HR Consultant working from Australia, to set up a Singapore branch, but she remains skeptical until the pay and the administrative details can be settled and there is more or less some security in the job.

Recently I feel like my mind's all hazy, slow and somewhat sluggish. Despite my best efforts not to panic, I can't help but wonder if this is a result of my reaching 30 years of age. Granted, I believe that this is gobblydook because I know of many men in the late 50s to 60s who retain a sharp and responsive mind, but I keep wondering: has the work I've been doing finally gotten to me, now, after all this time - just when the end is in sight?

Administrative work is never pleasant, to say the least. It's repetitive, menial, and deadens your brain to all ideas of fun and joy. To a certain extent you stop thinking too much and just get the job done - which is why all the CSOs who work in my place have a severe lack of imagination and stutter when spoken to, and also why their minds are rarely flexible. I am not ridiculing them because this is the work they're given.

The job requires that they are rigid and unbending; unquestioning and unthinking in their positions. These men and women are the gatekeepers oof the system - they ensure the system is working, that things are being done within the system that was set up. This demands that the incumbent must have no imagination whatsover - the type of character who, when asked "Can't we just skip this step altogether?", gives the inquirer a scathing look and replies in a deadpan voice, "We Must Follow All The Steps."

I must admit that this manner of work is uncharacteristic of me. After all, I've always been one who craves creative thought, seeks artistic designs that are pleasing to the eye and think up interesting methods of marketing to the masses.

With that in mind, I'm thinking of setting up a small venture with my bradford brother, James, to come up with interesting methods of marketing - but I'll need tools, capital, and opportunities, and I'll need time to consider the steps that I'd need to take.

With that in mind, I have to very seriously inform the reader (i.e. me) that the okto movies suckassroflcoptor.

Finally

2010-02-02T12:44:00.002+08:00

The re-opening of the blog has been heavy, sleepy and somewhat worthless to read; but I forsee that will improve over time (I hope).

Importantly, I need to announce this: K's gotten a new job!

I've been thinking of whether or not to say anything about it, but I guess there are certain things that I can say (particularly about myself) that are safe.

The position is essentially in research, so I don't think there's much to say, but there is something that can be said for that, which is:

YESSSSS.

When I was in JC, I saw the inflexibility of the Singapore System, the unfairness and lack of social mobility in Singapore, and hence decided I wanted no part of it. I would be an entrepreneur, I told myself. I'll work as hard as I can for a few years, save some money and set up a business.

Such Naivete.

The amount I earned was barely sufficient to sustain myself, much less save for a business (which would cost ard 10k for a pushcart biz). It was after a rough tustle with my teenage spirit that I finally conceded the fact that I was going to get nowhere without a degree, so I embarked on a journey to do one, and hopefully complete it.

Because I didn't have a diploma, I was forced to work at the level of the 'O' level holders - basic administration, basic customer service, basic everything. I had to start from scratch, answering telephones, filling in paperwork and doing data-entry. And from those positions I always received some form of recognition, and was tasked to do something in addition to what everyone else was doing. And despite the fact that my salary was never increased nor my welfare improved despite doing those things, I did them, and I did them well - because I needed the money.

But because of these things, I knew for a fact that I was more capable than some of the people I worked with, and hence realised I wasn't going to live my life simpering about, complaining about how life sucked and how no one ever recognised my capabilities. In Singapore, you either get with the system, or the system gets you - and I learnt that the hard way.

So, after working in 2 organisations and trying my best to embark on a degree (unsuccessfully), I finally found my dream job in MOM in August, 2005 - an 8 - 6 job with a 1.3k gross salary. Although I took home barely 1k, I grit my teeth and soldiered on, signing up for the degree (which required an sizeable deposit, which meant I had to borrow money) and putting away $600 from my salary of $740 (after expenses) every month, leaving $140 for food and transport, ignoring the fact that I was eating white bread with plain water just about every day for lunch and skipping breakfast altogether.

Throughout the 3 years of abject despair and poverty, where I contemplated the worth and value of a degree to a 30 year old man with no relevant experience, and the occasional cursing of the system for not taking care of those who fell between the cracks, I maintained one single thought in mind : I need this. I will get this. Even if it turns out completely useless, I'll still do this.

4.5 years from the first day I started work in MOM, after meeting many great people (who I sometimes moan about, but never with genuine spite) and doing many interesting things, I have finally been vindicated, and that upper-middle class stairway is finally within reach.

I am both relieved and happy, and yet at the same time nervous and uncertain.

Relieved and happy, because I've reached the end-point of a 8 year climb, and I now look around with the slightly frozen smile of a tourist who's climbed a very tall mountain and isn't sure if the view is going to be nice.

Nervous and uncertain, because I realise that the end of this climb is only the beginning of several more ascents, each more perilous and demanding than the previous. But at this point, the load has been lessened substantially, and the climb is easier.. and the company is infinitely better.

Rhetoric

2010-01-29T21:05:00.003+08:00

I don't understand the word "rhetoric".

For one, it has 2 almost opposing meanings.

Main Entry: rhet·o·ric
Pronunciation: \ˈre-tə-rik\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English rethorik, from Anglo-French rethorique, from Latin rhetorica, from Greek rhētorikē, literally, art of oratory, from feminine of rhētorikos of an orator, from rhētōr orator, rhetorician, from eirein to say, speak — more at word
Date: 14th century

1 : the art of speaking or writing effectively: as a : the study of principles and rules of composition formulated by critics of ancient times b : the study of writing or speaking as a means of communication or persuasion

Ok, I understand this part, as in "Understanding the rhetoric of the Mayan language".

2 a : skill in the effective use of speech b : a type or mode of language or speech; also : insincere or grandiloquent language

This I don't get. Is it effective use of speech? Or insincere speech? Can I, conceivably, be effective and insincere at the same time? I mean, besides using political speak, that is.

Singapore, Our Company

2010-01-26T16:57:00.001+08:00

As a country, Singapore has witnessed explosive growth in the past 40 odd years, and our economy has grown in leaps and bounds, mainly because of our very capable leaders and strong institutional framework. However, Singapore's growth has hit a plateau only in the last decade, and we've had had to run very fast just to keep ourselves in the same spot. Perhaps because of this, we've stopped looking at Singapore as a country, and more like a Corporation.

In all major Corporations, managers face the same problems that we're facing now as a country - loyalty, welfare, productivity, local job insecurity caused by immigrant employment, cynicism about the effectiveness of policies, and apathy concerning the long-term direction of the corporation. Without a doubt, Singapore as a corporation has flourished in the relative short-term, and the reason for this is not just good governance, but workers who have worked hard and pulled their weight to carry Singapore through the tough times. Now that we have matured as a company, finding individual solutions to the various issues that have arisen as a result of pushing productivity without clear and tangible perceived rewards might not work in the long run.

The Singapore population is cynical of management because of the same reasons workers are cynical in a company - they hear of the various commitments made by the management over long periods of time but yet they see very little impact on their lives. They hear of large profits being made and enjoyed by the management but see very little of it trickle into their lives. They are apathetic because the management very rarely implements or listens to their suggestions, instead gathering feedback when a decision has already been made - so why bother?

They're not loyal because the company isn't loyal to them, or at least hasn't shown commitment to the workers that they will be loyal to them. Every year they will hear the same comments about how they should stay together and persevere, and eventually start to wonder about the 'We' part. Workers work hard and upgrade themselves, and yet taxes still rise and jobs get more scarce while employers are given the sweets and workers are told to endure and upgrade further. If employee loyalty in a business is dependent on the building of a mutually beneficial relationship, why do Singaporeans feel so disconnected from the local government?

We give departmental managers (employers) the power to control welfare despite knowing that profits would always be at the top of their minds even at the expense of welfare, and then wonder about the declining birth-rate when the employers do what is common sense to them, even if it is a little mercenary. We then hire foreigners who work hard at half our price, and hope the foreigners would be loyal to us and work here permanently, while giving very little consideration to the dynamics of social interaction in the company and how it would affect loyalty and security for the local people. To be honest, if my meagre livelihood was threatened, I wouldn't consider bonding as an important priority, much less accepting them with open arms.

With the world now gradually climbing out of the global recession, perhaps it is time to consider an integrated approach to revamp Singapore in all the aspects that have not been given equal priority in the past few decades in favour of economic growth. Take personal development in the macro aspect, for one. With the competition from super-power manufacturing economies like China and India, Singapore has gradually shifted its focus from a manufacturing economy to a knowledge based economy - we positioned ourselves as a Hub, and invested heavily in biomedical, medicine, tourism and research industries in order to attract FDI. But these industries are highly niched, and leave very little room for the average person to develop himself in other than tourism and services. Why not also endeavour to become a country where others would seek us for investments by capitalising on the high educational standards of our population? Industries that are human-capital-centred like marketing, arts, accounting, economics, and even public sector governance are all key areas that our local population can do very well in. By developing our local population to match the capabilities of the best people in the international arena in these industries, we'd be able to further advance Singapore's economy and instill a sense of belonging and loyalty in the people we invest in, instead of having to import talents. It'd be welcome to one day hear someone say that the best Accountants are from Singapore! A news report on the 19th November ("Singapore Global Accountancy Hub") also supports this idea.

Besides the change in the way we view Singapore (less a Hub and more a Source), we should attempt to change the way locals perceive Singapore life. Because of our rapid growth, Singaporeans have had no reason to work hard and simply wait for rewards to come - instead, they've had to grab as much as they can as quickly as they can, or risk ending up with nothing. This has led to a defensive and closed society where everyone is a competitor, and has given rise to unflattering words like Kiasu and Kiasi and so forth. These words are in no way endearing, and are in fact, representative of a society of largely ungracious people who behave in an "every man for himself" manner. The solution to this is not readily available, and involves a cultural change from our very roots. Merely getting teachers to instruct the young in graciousness is pointless if the parents do not behave graciously - they learn by example, after all. The recent slew of messages used in local media to promote social graciousness will eventually bring about a change, but the change will never be complete until our local populace learns to treat one another like fellow human beings, and not just obstacles in the way. Perhaps a less tensed society, one that doesn't focus so much on competition, would help us develop our social capabilities.

While the country cannot be run entirely like a big corporation, perhaps instead of seeing itself as an institution that subtly corrects imbalances, the Singapore Government could start seeing itself as the General Manager of Singapore Incorporated, with the myriad employers being its Departmental Managers. The only catch here is that they won't be able to fire incapable employees, but only redeploy them according to what the market dictates. The light touch can still be used here, but with a firmer hand to discourage flagrant disregard for recommendations. In addition, with the large amounts of literature available about how to improve employee loyalty, we could certainly come up with sustainable strategies to create a open and friendly culture in the vein of Google HQ to make Singapore truly a home/corporation that is worth working in, instead of a mechanical corporation without the human element.

Oddity

2010-01-25T11:29:00.002+08:00

It's amazing how prejudice so often colors the views of our governing scholars.

Here in my section, however, we have 2 types: The really nice types, and the types who think they already know it all.

I've worked with several scholars through my tenure, and some have been nothing but exemplary - unlike what I sometimes say, there are scholars who go through life the hard way and find their footing through a solid belief in the establishment. One guy I knew was adopted as a child and instead of wallowing in angst or inferiority, he obtained a government scholarship and graduated from Oxford. He is positively the nicest person I know - humble, unassuming, intelligent and down-to-earth.

On the other hand, there're also the types who, when coming into a new job in a mangerial role, get an entirely superficial understanding of the topic, then make drastic changes without first understanding why the policy was implemented in the first place. Worse, they treat their subordinates like shit all the time and think only the worst of them, unless their subordinates happen to be very good at sucking up or stoking his ego.

Which is why I've come to the conclusion that the only 2 reasons why I've been working here is that :

1) I needed the money and flexibility to complete my degree and

2) the people here were fantastic

"Were" being the key word.

=============

The recent trend of Christian attacks has been disturbing. Has the end-time come at last? Where we are persecuted for our beliefs?

Of Tolerance

2010-01-23T10:03:00.003+08:00

I've always felt that the idea of religious tolerance was a difficult one to understand. This is not to say I don't agree with it - I completely agree that we should live in harmony even though we're different. The world is now being joined together because of the internet, cheaper air travel and the removal of barriers which used to be present in the past, particularly in terms of borders.

As a result of the diminishing borders and demarcations, we're not only faced with an influx of unrestrained information through the internet (though some countries try to limit the inflow of info) which intrudes into one's bubble of a world, hence provoking defensiveness and aggression to a large extent (as would any animal when threatened), but also an inflow and even exchange of citizens, thereby manifesting through these global citizens all the things we don't want to see, don't like to see ,and naturally detest.

For a long time humans were enclosed in their tight little bubble, happily unaware and uncaring of things and events other than those that directly affected them - a typical self-preservation instinct which is sometimes mistaken as selfishness. Now, with all fronts being assailed by foreign stimulation, we turn defensive. One case in point is racial tolerance.

Racial Tolerance has always been championed in Singapore by the incumbent government, and not without good cause. The spillovers of the 1969 race riots in Malaysia caused racial riots in Singapore, and it was then and there that the government started really cracking down on seditious behaviour. Racial tolerance still remains an important cornerstone on which our nation was built, and contributes largely to its economic success.

Wait a tick.

It's not racial tolerance, isn't it? It's racial harmony. We know we're all different and hence live and let live. The Chinese are different in terms of culture, attitude and behaviour to the Malays, the Indians, the Eurasians - we understand all that and we shrug it off and say "that's their culture".

But why is it Religious Tolerance? Religion and Race are always tacky issues to address, but shouldn't they be similar? Live and let live? We know Muslims have different values from Christians, Hindus, Taoists, Buddhists and so on, so we understand that they're different and let them carry on with their lives. What makes this and race so different from each other?

Evangelism.

To be clear, I have nothing against Evangelism in particular. Part of the reason why Christianity has spread so far is because of Evangelistical Christians, and perhaps the reason why I now know about Christianity is also because of missionaries who came to Singapore to spread the word. What I do not encourage, however, are overly eager or pushy evangelistical Christians. Like I said in the previous post, people went to Christ wherever He went, not the other way round. Jesus would take special detours for specific people, but by and large the rest of them followed Him. Missionaries used to just hand out pamphlets or brochures, and those who were interested after reading the brochures would go for a church service to see how it is.

Now we hear stories about how some believers would hold pamphlets like weapons, waiting out schools or canteens or bus stations for non-believers to come out so they can preach and co-erce them to join their church or receive Christ. I also hear about death-bed conversions, which I think is the greatest travesty.

This puts people off. If we are to live in harmony, stop proselytizing and let people go on with their lives. The Word has already been spread - now the difficult part is to behave like Christians and let the world see who we are. We are the best marketing tool (if it comes to that). When people see us living well, being cheerful and happy and being good people in general, they'll want to know what makes us so happy. And then we can reply :"Jesus is my joy."

Oddly enough though, a lot of blame is put on mega churches in Singapore - predominantly the charismatic ones - partially because of their teachings on tithing, and of course the amounts they spend on building infrastructure to house their ever increasing population. Not one of the critics have gone for the services consistently to formed a well-informed overview of the situation there. The few who do start bad-mouthing certain aspects of the churches while conveniently overlooking other key aspects of the churches. I think this is unfair. It's like judging a person based on one of his characteristics. If he happens to have a funny laugh, I brand him a "faggoty-giggler" or "the-guy-with-the-dumb-guffaw". What if he happens to feed the poor with his salary? Give money to help victims of disasters? Counsel victims of abuse and is filial to his parents or even cares for a crippled sibling in the absence of his parents? They no longer matter because he has a stupid guffaw. It is myopic and narrow-minded.

Firstly, megachurches don't aggressively proselytize. They send proxy-invites out to their people for special events, and these people decide who to invite for these events. Only the smaller churches which have dwindling populations and are desperate to keep afloat would do so. As a pastor of such a church, I'd fold it up and have my congregation go to another church, preferably a sister church (e.g. Presbyterian to presbyterian and so on). After all, God decides. If things are that bad, then it is not to be. Megachurches don't need to proselytize. Their population is immense. Believers come to them, not the other way round.

Secondly, why are critics so sure all the tithes go to senior church members? NCC at least gave US30k to the Haiti relief effort, whereas the SG Gov only gave US50k. Critics would use this opportunity to say "oh, they're churches, they're supposed to do that" and wave it off easily as if it was a given that churches are coerced, by some force of morality or legislation to donate to victims of disaster efforts. Christians can easily turn a blind eye. But it is because we believe, that we give charitably. Anti-theists always speak of how the world would be a better place without religion, but they frequently refuse to address (or attribute to some vague notion) the issue of morality in a Godless world.

In a Godless world, why would people do good things? Dawkins cursorily attributed it to the fact that humans must have developed an "altruistic gene" sometime in our evolution. Some say we are moral creatures. The idea of whether morality is inborn or nurtured has been debated hotly for centuries. And all of a sudden we have yahoos coming around saying they already know the answer. No, you don't.

In a Godless world, we have laws some say. Well, what if I can get away with a crime? What's stopping me? Conscience? What if I don't care? Forensic science hasn't reached the level where all criminals can be caught easily. Then of course if you try to monitor everyone you infringe upon their privacy rights. So what now? Vigilante groups?

As I indicated previously, I'm not anti-government because that would mean I'm an anarchist. I'm pro-government and would like to see positive changes, starting with the elite ruling class coming down to live as a commoner for a month without all the perks of being an elite ruling class, including the big cars, 6 figure salaries and PAs. Work as a technician for a month, for instance. Or an administrative assistant. In the same thread, even when I was not Christian, I wasn't anti-theist - I was agnostic, atheist and free-thinking, but I respected that everyone had different beliefs and hence left it at that. But anti-theists are the equivalent of anarchists in the political viewpoint. They want to do away with the entire thing, as if it wasn't relevant anymore.

Religion isn't about relevance. Many things are irrelevant now, if you come to that. Love and mercy, for instance. Why do we still need love? We have cloning and artificial insemination. We have test tube babies and heck, even man-made ovaries. Why do we need mercy? If they're guilty, punish them. Mercy is a non-logical response. So's compassion. Logically speaking, a person who has committed a crime must be put away for a time enough for him to be considered rehabilitated or repentant. Repentance in this case, would of course mean he's afraid of spending time in the prisons since he's no longer concerned about 'higher powers'. Yet we temper our societal constructs with human elements, in the aspiration that this would make us more human. And then, enter the anti-theists who think we should all be logic machines. Religion is about compassion, fear, love, hope, and faith - things anti-theists fail to see because they are all intangible and hence not-logical.

In any case, the entire point of this long long ramble is this: To Christians: Stop Proselytizing, and we will have religious harmony. You guys are pissing off all the non-believers.

To anti-theists: Think through the issues before you run out of the shower thinking you have the "eureka" moment. Just because you don't believe in it doesn't give you the right to tell others not to believe in it. It's like Proselytizing Christianity - you're just proselytizing anti-Christianity, the trend of which, might I add, was already predicted in the book of Revelations from 2000 years ago. Also, Religion contributes to morality. I won't say it's responsible for morality - there're believers who commit crimes as well, but it contributes to it. So without religion, what do you think will step in to provide that morality for people?

Comfort zone

2010-01-22T14:13:00.004+08:00

I've decided to start updating K14 again, after this super long hiatus. Granted, most of the readers who used to visit my blog no longer do so, but I guess I sometimes have so much running through my mind it attempts to overflow - writing it down helps me straighten out some of my thoughts.

3 years ago, in 2006, I embarked on a journey to get my degree, and on the 7th Nov 2009, I finally got it - and now I have the opportunity to start afresh in an executive position! All is well.

Life in General

Life has been pretty good of late. Despite the constant, nagging fears I had about marriage and companionhood, and despite the fact that I had grown so accustomed to solitude that I found it hard to connect physically with someone else, my wife and I have managed to go through the first year of our marriage with no quarrels (just some serious discussions), no unpleasant sulking or shouting matches whatsoever. It's been a relationship filled with long talks, walks, cuddling and tickling so far, and I think this will carry on for a long time.

Our apartment will be ready either this year Sep-Dec, or early next year, and we're both looking forward to having an apartment all to ourselves. To recap, my life had been... difficult before I met my wife. My wife has a very similar history to me.

About the Wife

I was beaten like a dog for the most part of my childhood by my Anti-Christian father for being Christian, and got my first panic attack at 10 years old, and the resulting overwhelming fear of death burned my fight-or-flight reflex, giving me DP - a condition that makes reality.. less real. It is a condition frequently experienced by people when the plane they're on develop problems and they think they're going to die - a surreal state where everything becomes fuzzy and yet, crystal clear. This condition is still with me. It is partially because of my history that I developed a cynicism for religion, yet here I am - a Christian once again. I therefore also have a cold, murderous disdain for people who try to convert people into their beliefs aggressively - be they evangelistical practitioners of any religion, anti-theists or insurance salespeople.

My wife was similar in having a damaged childhood. My Father-in-Law(FIL) borrowed money from loansharks to finance his exorbitant lifestyle and mistresses, and my Mother-in-Law (MIL) committed a crime to finance my FIL that resulted in her being incarcerated. The FIL then tried to get my wife and her two brothers to accept one of his mistresses as their new mother.

They flatly refused.

Now the FIL and MIL are divorced, and we meet with her mother (my mother in law) on occasion for meals and to talk. Things are really looking up for my mother-in-law after the divorce. When things were bad some years back (when the FIL and MIL were married), my MIL would borrow my wife's entire salary (she was still working part-time to provide for herself) to provide for the FIL, and never return it. Worse yet, when my wife was working and taking care of herself when the FIL had disappeared and the MIL was incarcerated, her elder brother happily went out of a job and relied on her to provide for the family, including the younger brother's education.

Even though I was there to support her (financially and emotionally) when she couldn't take it, even helping her scrub the toilets and kitchen when the MIL was finally released from prison(there was a vast difference - you had to be there. I also had to evict and eradicate many many cockroaches.), it must be said that I have great respect for her strength and resilience in dealing with all these things without becoming cynical and angry like me. I've realised that it's only possible for me to connect with someone only if that someone is as damaged as me in some way.

On the other hand, being in the comfort zone with someone close to you makes you stagnant beyond comprehension. I've not been running (or going through any training at all whatsoever) for the past 2 years odd, and I've gotten visibly fatter, together with my wife. Initially, the idea was that I'd just follow the wife on her diet for a while, and slowly persuade her to move away from it (after all, it would have been unfair to challenge her to run in the morning when lethargy alone makes her unable to wake up on time to go to work) so to level the playing field, I decided to get fat too.

Man was that a bad idea.

Time to lose some fat, K.

Updates on The 3-Year Plan

The 3 year plan I had worked out relatively well - though some hijinks along the way necessitated a few detours - I had to drop my Japanese Advanced after paying for it, and I had to drop the LCCI diploma after getting the SSM and Advertising Certs. Both were calculated risks, and I've pointed out (and which is still true currently) before that the financial costs of taking up these 2 endeavours were heavy burdens for me to bear, and I bore them stoically. So the reason for giving them up was, of course, well thought out and expressly difficult for me to justify without some amount of bitterness.

Number One: I had to concentrate on my degree. I realised the LCCI diploma and Japanese were fast becoming deadweight in acquiring the most critical (and yet potentially useless) qualification of my entire life to date, and it became quite clear that despite the fact that I could cope academically, I couldn't cope with:

Number 2: The wedding preparations. Being a groom who was perpetually harassed by the little details (thanks to the 10 year training stint I've gotten in my career choices to date) and getting everything right, I paid attention to every single thing I could - flowers, table cloth, music, slides, photographs, invites, decoration, breaking shapes and creating patterns to make the school canteen (where the wedding lunch was held) not a school canteen. It's like trying to recreate Hobbiton with a few rolls of colored paper, Empty recycled bottles of Nescafe, 2 curtains, ribbons and copious amounts of tape. The result was visually interesting and colorful, and to a certain extent I daresay it worked. Obviously I would have done a lot more had I been granted free reign, a higher budget and the absence of a tropical climate which kills flowers in mere seconds and reduces well-dressed, sincere guests into oily mannequins with glossy smiles. And of course, that was only the supporting actor for:

Number 3: spending time with my wife. The Japanese classes ate into my weekends, and it was necessary to give it up to spend time with my wife.

In short, it was after consideration of these 3 factors that I decided to give them both up. The LCCI I do not intend to take up again (being completely useless), but the Japanese language I may. In fact, I intend to supplement my learning with Hebrew, Latin, and Korean as well as a Masters or a Doctorate if I ever get that far.

It really paid off though - I received a 2nd upper honors for my degree, so I must say it was all good. There was a bit of a fiasco while completing my FYP - the supervisor resigned a month before the project was due (we were given 3 months to do it), after barely replying our emails or responding curtly to requests for more elaborate guidance. He only had 3 undergrads under him - James, me and a stranger from another course. We heard the stranger requested for a change, and James and I were stuck with him for 2 months before he ran off. Our projects lay in shambles, unfinished, surveys and research pending his approval, and a new supervisor was assigned to us : Mr Tan Boon Beng.

His hard work and advice for our projects and his unquestioning willingness to meet us to discuss the projects impromptu (even assigning us dates to meet him to discuss the progress) really made a difference, and it was because of his dedication, his solid advice and his brilliance that we managed to complete the projects, with me scoring an moderate A and James a high B.

Thank you Mr Tan!

Religion, a tacky issue as always

The road on which I arrived at my present state was a rocky one (read all my previous posts on religion), and through the years the journey has been something like this:

Christian>Free-Thinker>Buddhist>Agnostic>Asatruar>Agnostic>Christian

No doubt there will be people out there who will ridicule me for betraying science and reason or speak of me as being weak-minded and so on and so forth, but after my long search for the ultimate "Truth", I've found that humans, in their quest to know everthing, end up giving names to all sorts of nonsensical things and as a result, know nothing.

An argument on a forum with several anti-theists also showed some of them incapable of logical thought when I engaged them logically. In fact, some became presumptuous and defensive when I pointed out several reasons why religion plays such an important part in maintaining the social fabric. One even claimed he knew how gravity worked and told me Einstein had solved the problem. I'd read that article by Einstein 10 odd years ago, and realised that Einstein himself hadn't managed to understand it. He theorized, because he couldn't know for certain. So basically, no one knows how gravity works or why it works, even up to now - despite our "advances in scientific technology in this age of reason".

In other words, they claimed that logic and rational thinking was everything, when evidence in the world clearly tells us it's not. In fact, religion is not the anti-thesis of science. To understand religion, and the reason why people practice religion, you must understand psychology, and the idea that the definition of "knowledge" in the english language is too narrow. Sometimes, it is possible for some believers to "know" that God exists, simply because of occurences in their lives that far exceed the natural.

And to put it in perspective again, religion doesn't account for the wars that have occured. It is the people who practice the religion who account for the wars. In Malaysia, there has been some disturbance recently over the use of a particular religious term, and from this we see quite clearly - the religion usually preaches otherwise from the person practicing the religion. So anti-theist critics who lambast an entire religion just because of the actions of a particular cluster of people are no less narrow-minded than fundamentalists who condemn non-believers. Let us not forget - more people have been killed by politics in WWI and II (est 85 million) than all the casualties of religious skirmishes combined over history. This alone should give you sufficient perspective as to what causes war - God or Men?

As a Christian now, I can only point out that this sad state of affairs would be moderated significantly if practitioners would stay calm and not be so... impulsive. Some amount of clear-mindedness would help greatly in discerning, when being preached to, what constitutes bullshit and what doesn't. God gave us brains and limbs. When in trouble, fight or run. When in doubt, think and seek. Ultimately God leads you back to safety. Just continue to have faith and seek wisdom. Also, STOP EVANGELISING. The recent exhortations by certain smaller fundamentalist churches have really muddied the waters for all believers. Now all the non-believers think all Christians are fundamentalists. For myself, I couldn't care less if you believed or not - People sought Jesus. Not the other way round. I don't impose my belief on others because I think it's just rude - which is why I found it offensive when anti-theists tried to impose their belief on me. I mean, doesn't that make them exactly the same as the evangelical fundamentalists they profess to detest? The only difference is that one seeks to convince with faith, and another with science. The problem is that both are trying to push each other's belief onto one another - invasive, aggresive and altogether unnecessary. The Great Commission was for the 11 disciples Jesus sent - not us. We're tasked with a greater mission - love.

These are my opinions, so of course I won't be accepting comments on them (especially if you're an aggressive anti-theist - bugger off).

These are also essentially some thoughts that have run through my mind in the past few months, and I guess writing them down gives my mind some respite, overladen as it already is with the day to day routine.

Alive again

2010-01-22T14:12:00.001+08:00

IT LIVES!!

2008-06-03T12:39:00.004+08:00

Pooh Bear was not pleased to find out he was the illegitimate child of Christopher and Goldilocks

Gotten my results for March's paper! Terrible results.

Marketing Research : B

Resource Planning : C

Management of Service Operations : B

My previous Semester's papers :

Marketing Communications : A

Work Behaviour & Performance : A

Product Innovation : B

And my Previous Previous Semester's :

Economics of Industry : A

Consumer Behaviour : B

Marketing Management & Strategy : C

Financial Management : C

The total score for my Year 2 aggregate : 778 out of 1200.

Which means, the total contribution to my year 3 Honors is *drumroll* 16 marks out of 30.

From this you can roughly tell that although it looks might impressive if you just look at the alphabetical grades, in numerical grades it's downright pathetic. I've basically gotten REALLY LOW C's, with MMS at 52 marks and RP at 51 marks. The best mark I've gotten is Marcoms at 75, followed by Economics of Industry at 74 and finally Work Behaviour and Performance at 71. My Bs range from 61 to 69, which means I've basically covered the ENTIRE RANGE FOR THE B GRADE.

Which also means that I have to get a consistent 80 marks if I want a First Class.

*clutches hair and pulls head off*

Though to be fair, I have been enjoying myself recently =D

Passion Run coming up! Furthest distance... 5km. On a Treadmill.

WTF

2008-04-16T10:18:00.002+08:00

Scheduling Meetings between 14th - 17th April

Is 14th ok?
Member A: Yes.
Member B: Yes.
Member C: Yes.
Member D: No.
Member E: Yes.

Meeting can't continue cos Member D can't make it.

Is 15th ok?
Member A: Yes.
Member B: No.
Member C: Yes.
Member D: No.
Member E: Yes.

Meeting can't continue cos 2 members can't make it.

Is 16th ok?
Member A: No.
Member B: No.
Member C: No.
Member D: No.
Member E: Yes.

Nuff said.

Is 17th ok?

Member A: Yes!
Member B: Yes!
Member C: Yes!
Member D: Yes!
Member E: Yes!

Yay! Meeting can be held then!
(Kerio runs around fixing rooms, firming up details)

Director : Hm. I don't like that day. How about Breakfast on the 17th or 18th?

Member A: No.
Member B: No.
Member C: Yes.
Member D: No.
Member E: No.

(Kerio Strangles all members and Director)

JYFW

2008-04-03T11:00:00.002+08:00

Day 2 of job-searching while working in office.

1. Course only ending in July 09, need money to finance final instalment in Sep 08
2. Wedding at the end of year needs money
3. Need leave to study and not many organisations give paid, unrecorded leave for studying
4. Need 8 - 5 or 9 - 6 job in order to attend classes; can't work weekends too.
5. Location can't be too far away from home, or travel would be a bitch.
6. Fiancee thinking of changing job too.

It sucks when there're this many options to weigh.

My course mate, James, just deferred his previous exam, and I'm not looking forward to suffering the same fate. That, coupled with all the work I'm having to do, plus all the damned uncertainty of job redesign and a definite negative on the rewards to be reaped from the redesign (heck, work more! Earn the same! Why not minister take pay cut chop chop eh?!) - it's all making for a really broody and seething Kerio.

Just you fuckers wait.

Sibei stress ah

2008-04-01T17:12:00.003+08:00

HEYA GUYS AND GAL LONG TIME NO SEE

Been a little busy recently, what with work, exams, marriage preparations and so on.

Couple life is always a little difficult to deal with cos along with the person you love, you have to deal with his/her baggages and family. On my side, the missus has this problem with her paternal unit and paternal unit's extended family, and her mother also gives her some problems cos of Menopause. Menopause is a bitch. So's the person who has it. When my mom had menopause, she gave me no end of hell about ridiculous and unreasonable stuff you couldn't even dream up.

eg. conversation :

Me : Mom, I think I broke my leg while representing the school in basketball.
Mom during menopause : Why you break your leg? Why so stupid? Tell you don't play basketball liao you don't understand is it? Can earn money or not? Now who paying for your medical fees? The school is it? The gahman?! Go pay yourself! I not paying for yew!

No where in that conversation would you find the sentence "So How Are You Feeling?". It made my life a living hell especially when she was out to quarrel with you and non-response would earn you a kind of sulky, sullen, pouty, disgusting cold war.

So kids, if your mother is aged 40 to 55, remember that she'd have to go through menopause, and it will suck for you.

Anyhooooo.

Things haven't been going fantastic at work, cos with one "bright idea" after another in the civil service (mostly by Degree holders trying to use the Non-Graduates as Resources to fuel their promotions) to "redesign" the job they're currently holding, it's been hell on the floor trying to find out exactly what the hell is it they want to do. What's more, the pay seems to have remained quite stable for the lower/middle income group, so much so that the lower income group seems to have been marginalised and the only group that is large enough to pay attention to is the middle income group, which consists of diploma and degree holders. Apparently, those "Bright Chaps" Up there aren't looking at the disadvantages of Job Redesign, namely that THE PERSON WHO HAS HIS JOB REDESIGNED WILL GET THE SAME BLOODY PAY TO DO MORE SHIT THAN HE CAN HANDLE. Don't those "bright chaps" know that job redesign is supposed to only work if the workers are motivated by work itself? Most of us aren't motivated by work or the lack thereof; we're motivated by money. Doing this redesign thing would be suicide for staff morale. But of course, those fat chaps up there couldn't care less, as long they can squeeze the lower ranks to do more for less, they get bonuses worth more than what some of us earn in an entire year.

I realise I say this with all the conviction of someone who doesn't yet have a degree (I'll only graduate next year July), but with the somewhat lacking enthusiasm of someone who might just join those ranks in all eventuality and therefore is careful not to openly lambast who I might become in the future. But I'll be frank to say this : if I were up there making these policies, I'd sure as hell be sorry for those dumbasses on the receiving end. I at least wouldn't sit back in my chair with a bloody retarded grin on my face thinking I've made a positive impact on people's lives when hundreds, nay, THOUSANDS of people are cursing the person who thought of implementing the idea.

But with no regards to this, I proudly say Hello to me in the future if I happen to be reading this post 3-4 years from now.

HELLO FUTURE ME!! IT SUCKS TO BE ME RIGHT NOW! AND IT SUCKS REALLY REALLY BAD!! HOPE THINGS ARE BETTER FOR YOU THERE (AND THEN)!

And so it is that besides work, exams and marriage preparations, I now also have to worry about finding a new job and financing myself throughout.

Next term (starting 9th April) would be the first term in my 3rd Year, which holds a crazy 70% of the entire score. I think, without a doubt, that it's time to really buck up and take it seriously.

Sibei stress ah.

Flight

2008-02-19T14:34:00.002+08:00

I dreamt I was flying again. Not Peter Petrelli flying, but flying and escaping from something.

Yesterday I dreamt I was in an armoured suit, impervious to the world around me. The armour was light as air but felt strong and metallic against my skin, and then these giant boosters lifted me off the ground and I jetted over the skies, flying loops and twirling like the wind set free. It was such an energizing dream I found myself wanting to drop back into bed and continue to fly even though it was time to go to work.

The frequency of these "flying" dreams have become quite high, and I'm starting to really enjoy them, despite the possibility that they may mean possible mental breakdown. The sheer exhilaration from soaring into the endless blue, twirling past office buildings and increasing speed, going faster and faster..

There was a phrase the Isamu, the lead character in Macross Plus said when he was asked what he thought when he was flying his plane. His reply was that when he was flying, he would look at the clouds streaming past him, and would feel the urge to increase his speed, going faster, faster, and faster, and eventually he would see something.. something.

I feel the same way.

2008-01-03T10:42:00.000+08:00

23rd December 2007 : Went to Adel's colleague's wedding at Marriot. Was very nice.

Christmas Eve : Proposed to Adel and swept her off to St Julien's where I paid for a $270 lunch I didn't quite like (except for a few items). Went back to her place for Pizza at night, and gleefully opened presents. Got a Polar Heartbeat and Distance Monitor watch from Adel!!! That cost her a good $500 plus. Add the other items like the socks, the wrist bag etc, and I bet that came close or even exceeded $600. That's the first time anyone spent so much on me. I feel so pampered. =D

Christmas : Met Cloud in Church for my baptism. Got baptised with Adel and her Mom. Thereafter went back home to arrange for Adel's family get-together. Went back to get Curry Chicken and Bee Hoon from my Mom (paid around $50, which was less than what she had spent, which means she actually paid a fair amount for us) and got her brother to collect the Tiramisu from Marriot we had ordered the day before.

New Year's Eve : Played Board Game, cooked maggi mee, played NDS. Slept around 12. Super No Life. I'd at least get some Booze next year.

Happy New Year Y'all =D

Engaged

2007-12-27T17:40:00.000+08:00

It's been a long 1 year plus with Adel, since we've been seeing each other every day for the past 1 year plus. Both of us agreed that if we can't get along with each other on a daily basis while dating, marriage will be a terrible disaster.

So in that line of thought, we see each other every single day, eat together, and settle whatever differences pop up along the way, and we have a healthier relationship than with most people I see. It's good to see that as we voice our dissatisfactions and be conscientiously gentle with one another when addressing the dissatisfactions, we evolve our relationship into one which has an almost intuitive understanding of one another, and we learn slowly to come to terms with the unsavoury parts of each other's character and learn to deal with it and not try to change it.

After all, we love each other for each other, and that includes the little irritations that make us us.

With that in mind, I happily announce that Adeline and I have been officially engaged as at 24th December 2007! Pix and video to come soon. =D

p.s wanted to blog about this earlier but stupid office computer and stupid blogger kept giving me an error message.

Merry Xmas y'all!!!

SC 07 (1:17)

2007-12-03T12:58:00.001+08:00

1:17 hours for 10k isn't too bad, right? Left foot hurts like hell though. =.='''

Just really glad to be running again =D

Rlshp rant

2007-11-09T15:57:00.000+08:00

I miss the runs in the morning and in the evenings, having my brain churn like a furious engine while I quietly plod along the track with no light, artificial or natural. I miss the cool air and the feeling that you're doing something to your body that's finally right instead of filling it with junk and sitting around watching bloody soap operas.

I miss running, weights, karate, anime, reading my little sci-fi novels and exploring philosophy with a furtive finger, poking my finger in to see it's depth but not quite diving into it so I won't have to memorise names and terms and things by heart.

I miss swimming in the 1pm sun, scorching my pale, sickly skin brown and yet not feeling the slightest heat from the sun when I cut through the water like a saw through plywood (I'm a slow swimmer, ok?!).

I miss going to the library on Sundays after my swim to read through inane literature, children's encyclopedias, Dave Barry, Terry Pratchett, Isaac Asimov, Frank Herbert, about religion, marketing, philosophy, cooking, totally stretching my brain and my body to the absolute limit before I crash into my soft bed and conk out for hours around 3pm, having squeezed so many things into so little time I'd know for a certainty that for today, I lived. Then I'd wake up around 6pm to play video games and have dinner.

I miss all the little things I've always been doing before I met Adel.

I frequently comment on the fact that when 2 persons become a couple, they become a single entity - moving together, eating together, doing everything together except showering and going to the toilet.

And I've been doing just that - watching serials with her, eating her fast food, going to her office during lunchtime despite a 15 minute walk in the sun, going to her place at Yishun even though it doubles my transportation expenses and takes me an hour to and fro office even though it takes me 15 minutes to go back home normally.. and even slowing down my usual stride to match her small, tottering steps on account of her high heels.

And yet, despite all this, it seems like I'm fitting into her life, and she's not fitting into mine. All the things that I usually do and like to do, I've not done. I want to see the nature and walk through greenery, but she'd complain it's too hot and get irritable after a while. I want to wake up to run in the early morning even before the sun rises, but she'd stay up so late the previous night it'd be impossible to wake up in the morning no matter how many alarms I set. And although I'd be able to wake up by myself, the effort is doubled because I have to wake her up to go for the run together with me, and usually, at that time, just that little extra effort is sufficient motivation to send me back to sleep.

I used to dash off after work at 6 sharp, to fully utilise my time so that I wouldn't waste any extra time trying to "earn my keep" despite spending 8 hours already at work. As if 8 hours isn't enough. I'd reach home in 15 minutes, shower and eat, and set down to do my reading, my surfing, or video game playing, or my weights or martial arts training. Time would be well spent and every minute would be chock full of seconds.

After I've met her, I'm needed to wait 15 minutes, sometimes a full hour for her to "finish up" her work and pack up, and then take a full hours' commute to her place, where she would just sit in front of the fan and complain about the heat, and then we'd do absolutely nothing except eat and watch tv.

And when we talk, it's all about work, about what her colleagues said, what her bosses did, what her job entails in full detail. When pressed for a political debate, she'd turn defensive and support her idea with vehemence bordering on aggression. When I blame the people she works with for doing certain things wrong, she'd almost certainly get into a full-scale argument with me, sulking over it thereafter and trying to give me a guilt trip.

I try and I try, and I anchor myself on my principles of constantly being around her when she asks, holding her hand constantly or putting my hand around her waist when I can so that she'd always know I'm around (and I got scolded for it because she said it was hot and to stop doing it), and not openly trying to point out her flaws because part of a relationship demands acceptance, and I cook for her family whenever they don't eat anything, I try to cheer her up when she's down, talk to her even though her sour mood would guarantee me being ridiculed in some way by her, and despite my wanting to be more assertive and just hecking it all and doing things my way, I just can't. Because I believe that these things should work both ways, that when I give, she should give. I believe relationships shouldn't be about taking. It's about giving and giving, and waiting, hoping, that your partner would return.

As much as I try... it is becoming very trying to be around her constantly being a smartass, constantly irritable, undisciplined, and altogether lethargic once she reaches home. To me that is the greatest sacrilege.

One does not work to waste time at home. One works so that time at home can be spent more meaningfully than watching hongkong dramas.

Incidentally, I don't need to rent CSI to occupy myself. It's interesting, but I have far better things to do than to stare at a brightly lit screen when I've already been doing that for 8 or more hours at work. I know you're trying to cater to my wants by renting CSI (or perhaps it's yours), but it's really not necessary.

Stop milling around in the mist and wake up. You're single-handedly destroying your own life and setting your path so fixed in stone you have invariably left no other option for yourself except to become someone else you're not. Just because other people do things that way doesn't mean you have to.

GAH.

Need kickstart

2007-10-22T13:56:00.000+08:00

Adel and I have set up this new, lovey dovey blog : http://adal-adel.blogspot.com/

It's a little diabetic, so note before you go there. Plus, it's VERY heavy on pix, some random and pointless.

Exams coming up again. New boss came in, and Adel's Mom just found herself a boyfriend who's quite heavy handed with his spending.

.
.
.
.

Need some kind of change to kickstart my brain and body.

Gifts

2007-10-12T13:46:00.000+08:00

Stuff to consider for Gifts :

Adidas jacket

Mary Higgins Clark - "I've heard that song before"

Precious Thoughts Bible

CSI DVD set

Laptop bag from Courts : $89.90 (Above)

Results and Backside

2007-10-04T09:26:00.000+08:00

Update : Got a Damned "C" For my MMS!!! WTF?!
=========================================

Year 2 First Term Results are in!!

Consumer Behaviour : B
Financial Management : B
Economics of Industry : A
Marketing & Management Strategy : C

I seem to be horribly jinxed at Math and operations-based subjects. So far my battle records are :

Year 1

Foundations of Accounting 1 : B
Foundations of Accounting 2 : C
Quantitative Methods in Information Management : C
Organisational Information Systems : B
Business Law : A
Organisational Behaviour : B
Organisational Psychology : A
Business Economics : A
Practice of Management : A
Foundations of Marketing : B
Foundations of Production and Operations Management : C

Which, although not terrible, could have been much better if I had studied harder hahaha who am I trying to kid.

Every single one of the above exams were studied for in the span of 2 days, hence qualifying me as a damn bloody genius.

"C"s notwithstanding, of course.

Kinda tired from work. New boss, shit-loads of rubbish to do, and funnily enough, people who don't think I'm doing anything at all.

Ade and I walked through my career options, and I must say : Resigning and finding new employment is looking real attractive now.

I wouldn't be naiive enough to say that Civil Servant Administrators are undermined, underpaid and overworked, since there are some people here who can talk for hours on handphones and still get paid more than me, and I suspect it isn't very different in the private sector, but all the work I have to do (even at my pace) and stuff I need to follow up on really doesn't justify the $1280 nett I take home everyday despite being in the civil service since 2004 and having 7.5 years experience in administration with 2 from the Private Sector and another 2.5 from National Service.

Talent-discovery and retention my backside.

The only "talent-discovery" the civil service does is only related to Degree Holders, not to the people who fall in between the cracks, like me. So when people fall into the asscrack of society, the Singapore Civil Service does the most logical thing :

It Ignores Them.

Just to clarify, It's not all that bad

2007-10-02T14:59:00.000+08:00

I realise, from reading my past entries about Adel, that it seems as if we've been struggling. Actually, the fact is that I tend to blog about unpleasant stuff more so than I do pleasant stuff, so it only seems as if Adel's a workaholic and I'm constantly whining about respect.

We're almost inseparable, as it is. When we do stayovers at each other's places, I like the weekends most of all, when we can wake up looking half-asleep and slightly ruffled and then just get together in this tight embrace while we say our muffled 'Good Morning's (on account of our faces being buried in each other's arms). I love the smell of her hair, the softness of her cheeks, her occasional scowl and the cute "hmph!" sound she makes when she's pretending to sulk. I love feeling her stubby nose rub my shoulder rhythmically from left to right, and I love it when she squeezes my hand and tries to cripple me permanently by pinching and poking me.

I love our long discussions about politics and work and governance, our discussions about philosophy; I love playing reversi and watching her go beetroot with smugness when she wins me (Best of 3?); I love watching TV with her even though some of the shows are rather boring; and I love that cute little dance she does when she sees a cockroach in the vicinity.

In other words, I Love this woman, and I love it that she tries to fulfill her end of her bargain to respect and treat with respect our mutual love for each other.

Yes, the infallibly cynical Kerio has discovered Love.

Many events to come. Watch for pictures. Meanwhile, here're some :

You need to go to http://www.someecards.com/. Now.

Lessons in life

2007-09-24T15:34:00.000+08:00

I suppose it's a little strange to be talking about faith and religion in a positive light since ever since this blog was set up, all I've ever done was to openly lambast the logical fallacies in every religion I get my grubby hands on, but I think this is a rather good time to do it (seeing how there's no real "good" time).

I guess if you read my blog at all, or visited K's Ghetto, you'd know that my childhood consisted of being heavily persecuted for being Christian. You wouldn't expect that in sunny, liberal Singapore, but it happens. Usually, the kids either die from the trauma, or develop an unexplored and subconscious loathing for religion. I never liked running from myself in particular, because no matter where you run, you always are there. You can't run from your shadows because your shadows are who you are - your past, your iniquities, your secret perversions, your failings and weaknesses, your deepest, darkest desires that no one would ever know except yourself - all those are You.

You can choose to run and run and run, and be running forever, seeking solace and sanctuary in the fiery, golden liquid that smells so promising when it's poured into a crystal glass with ice, changing eventually to a drunkard living each day with basic functionality just so you can go back and embrace the heady delusions and temporary euphoria your liquid addiction avails you so conveniently.

You can choose to pick up some Death, packed cleverly into small boxes that smell so comforting and make you feel so at ease when you take in the pungent smell of the addictive drugs being burnt, and only scream in soundless anguish when your body fails from the chemical abuse and you can no longer speak or breath without feeling the fires of hell burn in your throat, and you realise that the only source of escape will always come with a price - a price you would have to pay for with your already tragic life... only that everyone close to you will have to pay the price for you - medical or health-wise - because you were so wrapped up in your sorrow and pain to realise that the world is passing you by with every minute you spend hiding in your shadows.

You can choose to fight, and wreck your mind with endless questions unanswered, knowing that the answer is just right there, right there but you can't surpass your human brain and conditioning without going insane in the process. You know the fight will not be won - it cannot be won! But you also know the fight won't be fully lost. Like me, you will spend years of your life just coming to terms with your own past, dragging up ugly memories mixed with pleasant ones, not quite liking yourself and getting maniacally depressed over your own inability to change, afraid of losing the "self" you've worked so hard to become and yet understanding that in order to untangle a knot in the ball of yarn, sometimes you have to unroll the entire ball of yarn. Never will you feel so naked, so vulnerable.. but in the end, you will ask yourself this :

Am I becoming who I want to be? Who others have made me into? Or am I becoming a person who has allowed circumstances to make me a different person?

For quite some time I explored my own past, finding out more and more of my own motivations and perceptions, coming to terms with that incredible storehouse of latent fury that remained latent and passive, always knowing that the slightest let-up would make me unleash terrible and bloody torture on my fellow humans (We humans are all born with the ability to do great evil), and never quite coming to terms with it because I always remembered what was done to me by people.

I'm getting baptised on the 25th December of this year. For me this is the greatest step I can ever think about taking, because all that I've gone through in the past 25 years - all the trials and tribulations - all were indirectly or directly because of Christianity. By this I don't mean stuff like "I almost failed my PSLE and that was God's test for me" because that's just rubbish. If I almost failed my PSLE, it'd be because I was a lazy sonofabitch, and not because God was testing me. You can't sit in a field and pray for God to give you a harvest of corns without moving your ass to plant those corns, y'know. By saying my pains were linked to Christianity means I was violently beaten for believing in Christ because my old man was anti-christian. There's a difference between the 2 examples. You can go through life and perhaps lose your job or get a pay cut and pray to God for guidance, and perhaps that is a test of your faith or to help you to learn to save money. But being beaten for believing - now that's a test of faith.

Which I failed, might I add. Then again, I was just a kid, ok?!

There're many things going through my mind now - mostly the old lamentations of "why wasn't He there for you here-and-here", but one understands now that sometimes, the hardest lesson to learn isn't about Strength or Fortitude - we learn to be strong through tests and pain but that isn't the ultimate lesson to be learn; it's about Trust and Faith... and Loyalty.

At least, for me it is.

What's your lesson in life?

Good Company

2007-08-03T11:05:00.000+08:00

The quarrel blew over, and we managed to sit down and talk things through. It's a good thing we set rules at the very beginning of the relationship =D

Seeing the failed relationships around me made me realise something - the crucial points in any relationship, be it friendship, courtship, or even love are :

1) Nosce te Ipsum - Know Thyself.
2) Communicate how you feel and think to your partner.
3) Learn that sometimes solutions are better than whining.

Ultimately, when it comes down to being in any relationship, understanding and respect are key to keeping the relationship floating. Once the border is crossed and the person keeps going, the relationship is screwed until the person goes back behind the line.

It's not about toeing the line. It's about keeping well behind it. Show respect, understanding and humility - don't judge your partners - so that you can expect the same in return. Treat people how you would like to be treated.

I find out now that all the trials I've gone through in the past has made me very much in touch with myself, with all the self-doubt and questioning.. I find out it has made me a better person, too - though sometimes it may be self-destructive.

Going for a Corrine May concert today, and we're finally training for the Singapore Bay Run! Granted, it's 12km, but it's going to be fun =D

And now, I can officially say - life is infinitely better with good company =)

Woo Hoo

2007-07-25T09:45:00.000+08:00

Almost dieded.

Spate of examinations throughout last week was tough as hell, and not to mention the fact that I was totally unprepared for them even till the very last minute. The gf also came by to stay for the week to give me moral support, and I found it extremely difficult to turn her down because :

1) I quite like the moral support
2) I can't bear to tell her I can only study when I'm alone.

Quite a few events coming up :

i) Watching Shutter and Alone both in a row with Cloud and his missus (trying to get a date)
ii) Watching the NDP Preview on the 28th July with the gf
iii) Watching Corrine May concert on the 3rd August with the gf
iv) Collection of the AHM race pack on the 17th Aug
v) Going for the AHM on the 26th Aug with the gf
vi) My mother's birthday on the 28th Aug

Came back to office after a week's examination leave to tackle 140+ emails, which left me utterly drained.

On leave this friday.. and I'm getting my Harry Potter this Friday, Woo Hoo!! =D

Rant

2007-07-03T15:41:00.000+08:00

Property prices are going up up up!!

2 words : Wealth Effect. I also like the term "Fool Effect", because it reminds me of Mr T.

With that in mind, me and my gf had this discussion about how the rich are getting richer and the poor are getting poorer, and the topic zipped all over the place with the following points being the main ones :

1) You need money to make money (eg, investing, entrepreneurship etc)
2) More people are getting degrees
3) There're so many people with degrees that eventually, no one's gonna wanna do the dirty work (already a problem in Taiwan and Hongkong)
4) Welcome to education bubble, bitches.

The problem with education is that it's a lot like a hot-air balloon; the people getting better educations are like hot air and the economy is like a balloon. The hot air buoys the economy and it rises and rises until it reaches a point where the atmosphere can't support the economy.. then it swiftly diminishes and all the hot air is lost in the atmosphere. Currently, the Sg gahman is using the hot-air effect to carry the low-waged workers upwards.. but when it crashes, it'd all crash downwards.

Knowledge economies are so fragile because they're dependant on the economy and society working just the way it is.

Alright enough ranting.

Oh yeah, saw Adel's ex on Saturday night after we watched Transformers (30thJune) at Tiong Bahru.. and I am glad to say that he looks much better on the pictures, because he looks like his mother gave him 2 tight slaps and called the police right after he came out of her birth canal cuz he looks like a fucking sex maniac.

Happy Tuesday y'all.

Race Season!

2007-06-29T15:16:00.000+08:00

Upcoming runs :

Mizuno Wave Run
22nd July 2007
5km & 10km
http://www.vgocorp.com/
Registration closes : 15th July 2007

S'pore Bay Run/AHM
26th August 2007
12km & 21km
http://www.safra.sg
Registration closes : 22nd July 2007

Shape Run
09th September 2007
5km & 10km
http://www.shape.com.sg/
Registration closes : 22nd August 2007

Run for Hope
16th September 2007
4km & 8km
http://www.runforhopesingapore.org/
Registration closes : 14th September 2007

Great Eastern Run
21st October 2007
10k
http://www.women10k.com/
Registration closes : Not known

Real Run
28th October 2007
10km &15km
http://www.realrun.sg/
Registration closes : Not known – Starts in July

Singapore Marathon
2nd December 2007
10k, 21k & 42.195km
http://www.singaporemarathon.com/en/
Registration closes : Based on take-up rate

Time to run! =D

Moolah

2007-06-27T16:47:00.000+08:00

Gotten over the lottery thing, for 2 reasons :

1) Constantly chiding myself about over-whelming bitterness affecting personal life
2) Lillian's comment (Thank you lillian! =D)

Plus, the first thing her mother did when she found out was : "Isn't that nice? Now you can give me $100 for some weight-loss pills and another $100 for [insert item here]."

And of course, part of me was incredulously asking "Why?" Because her mother was also lending money (correction: giving money) to her older brother, who smokes like a building on fire and only very recently found a job. Why should she be paying for their luxuries? What is she, an ATM?

So my very selfish piece of advice to her was "Spend all you want when you get your money.. otherwise they're going to spend it for you."

In other news, I bought 2 Corrine May Tickets!!! 5th August @ the NUS Auditorium! Now have to see if the tickets I bought were good ones or bad ones since there is absolutely no indication on where we can get the best view of Ms May so we can indulge in a harmless bit of drooling.

Also managed to get 4 tickets for the NDP Preview! Prior to the previous years, when I thought that the NDP was just a non-airconditioned event where you can sweat like a pig and smell other people who sweat like pigs and then watch aeroplanes fly around, people running around and finishing off with little sparkly bits in the skies that cost thousands of taxpayers money but do absolutely nothing except make loud sounds and light up temporarily, I now feel that we can do all of the above - plus run the potential risk of drowning since it's on the floating platform.

Not that I'm not grateful for the tickets, of course. It's nice to sit next to strangers dressed like tomatoes and smell their stale sweat when you're enjoying the breathtaking sight of people marching in line and order. Not that I've seen any of this in National Service, No Sir.

Watched Fantastic 4, Pirates, Oceans 13, and Shrek 3! (did I already say it? Whatever.) Fantastic 4 was really nice! Pirates was quite the special effects explosion, plot notwithstanding, Oceans 13 was REALLY smart and witty, and Shrek 3 sucked.

Watching Transformers, Harry Potter, Die Hard next month. I'm fast becoming a movie buff.. or at least, the boyfriend of a movie buff.

Exams on the 16th July.

I got confirmed as permanent staff! May be getting a promotion soon though.. not sure.

If anyone's got some way to make money without spamming, selling v1@gr@ or likewise or having to ask other people to deposit money in banks for a small part of my inheritance, lemme know. The Kerio's in desperate need of money because of its bourgeosie lifestyle.

Bitterness

2007-06-14T18:07:00.000+08:00

Girlfriend won $1k in a random lucky draw that she didn't even need to sign up for.

Someone please tell me how to beat off the small-hearted little man inside me and tell him not to feel bitter and to feel genuine joy for his loved one's fortune.

Problem is, I think the small-hearted man is winning real big money here.

AHM 26 Aug

2007-06-11T12:10:00.000+08:00

Went Karaoke on Saturday with the gf and Cloud+Wifey.

Was surprised (bordering on shock) to find out that Cloud can really sing. By that I don't mean wail distressingly like the neighbour I had in Secondary School, or shout into the mike like some charismatic church leaders - I mean really really sing. That's coming from someone who grimaces whenever someone just manages to sing in tune, but not quite.

Therefore, having so many singers around me is subjecting me to unprecedented peer pressure, and I have to learn how to sing icky chinese songs now because I am weak and easily pushed into doing things that don't benefit me one bit.

Got a "B" For my marketing =(((

Also, The AHM IS BACK!! Come on gals and boys, time to put on those running shoes and hit the track with yer head! (you'll know why I say that when you reach 20k.)

26th August, Imma comin'!

HIYA DIDJAMISSME

2007-06-05T13:34:00.000+08:00

Betcha all missed me eh?

Have been around trying to blog, but since I've been talking a fair bit to the gf, a lot of what I usually blog about is possibly not really worth repeating.

A few things :

Half Year Anniversary!! 23rd May 2007 - went backtracking to the exact places we went, and for some reason, even though we told each other not to get any presents, we ended up getting presents for each other anyway, and even tried to surprise each other heh heh heh... though mine worked better because I'm just more used to subterfuge and secrecy hyuk hyuk hyuk. Went to Tapas Tree around 6pm to place the small soft toy I'd gotten for her and the little vase of flowers (1 rose + several wild flowers) with the people there - then went to pick her up at her place. She was carrying this huge bag, so heh, apparently the 'surprise' turned out to be not so surprising :3

Gave me this really nice vest, a shirt, and the FF7 Advent Children DVD!! Collector's Edition!! I was so pleasantly surprised by the vest and shirt I didn't quite know how to react, so I just grinned like an idiot and got the waitress to bring my gifts out hyuk hyuk shaddup.

Trailed down to Coffee Club @ Raffles Place.. then after the meal, presented her with the larger soft toy I had hidden in my bag throughout the entire meal =D Like the first time we were there though, getting the cab was an absolute fiasco.

Watched Shrek 3, Pirates, various other movies.. also watched our first R-Rated show together!!! But it turned out to be a gay flick so it scarred me mentally for life. =( The gf found it rather boring though =.='''

My cubicle is infested by cockroaches. Of all the insects I don't kill, Cockroaches happen to not be one of them. I had to clear out the gf's house of hundreds of dead cockroaches just half a year back, and the smell of the rotted carcasses (or whatever they're called) as well as their disintegrated body parts would make you lose your lunch. And some of them bloody stuck to the walls so you had to put a brush to them and scrub industriously.

Times like those I really appreciate having Depersonalization so I can detach myself and tickle myself with images of Elmo shitting himself from being tickled too much.

Also showed the gf that, contrary to what she believes, scat fetish exists.

Got my results from the previous sem's exams back!
Foundations of Marketing : MIA (think it's being moderated omigawdimscrewed)
Principles of Management : A
Business Economics : A
Foundations of Production and Operations Management : C

Gf was beside me when I opened it, so it was a really pleasant experience.
"Your Econs juuuusst scraped an 'A' leh! Kena sai!" My gf congratulated me heartily.

Pleasant being totally relative, of course. =.=''

My Director's trying to get me promoted after I told him I'm seriously underpaid and over-worked. I'm doing a Diploma-holder's job, and I'm getting paid 1.2k - whereas the dip-holders are getting 1.8-2k. Difference, much? Not to mention the fact that I'm doing more than some dip-holders, too.

Went to South Bridge Jazz for some jazz on Sat, and drinks came up to $71. What the hell do they put in those little cocktails, human blood? Though metaphorically, if the drinks were blowjobs, I'd be a winner cos I felt TOTALLY SUCKED DRY HAHAHAHAHA NOT FUNNY OK U UNCIVILIZED BASTARD

Gf had her wisdom tooth extracted last Tuesday and just had her stitches removed this morning - going for a Thai food celebration today =DD

Ok need to go kill cockroach now.

2007-06-05T13:33:00.000+08:00

ACHTUNG!!!

Flyers

2007-05-16T13:15:00.000+08:00

Ladies and Gents, The Singapore Flyer's Coming.

And when everyone's excitedly screaming "The Singapore Flyer's Open!", they'd realise 2 things :

1) They have to pre-book the damned thing, so don't expect to climb on board anytime within the first few months of it's opening, cos it's fully booked, biatches.

2) When the Singapore Flyers' Open...the Singapore Peniser comes out.

Wait till you see it fully erect.

Mother's Day 2007

2007-05-13T16:31:00.000+08:00

Gf rebonded her hair =D Looks really nice too.

Mother's Day! Nothing but a chance to do something unconventional in the life of a Kerio, lemme tellya.

Morning : Gave younger brother money to buy breakfast at the coffee shop - Coffee and Bread for 5 - $8.10
Afternoon : Gave younger brother money to get materials for cake, proceeded to order lunch (Brinda's).

Here, received call from the gf's mom that she thought I had forgotten about her being a mother too. Wasn't aware that I was required to give stuff to someone elses' mother (reason being, I once told my auntie, when she asked if I was getting anything for grandma, that obviously not since she wasn't my mother. She told me she wanted to spank me. I told her I wasn't into these things.)
Therefore, pre-empted the gf's plans to bring her mother to the movies (with her younger brother, Alex), and ordered 3 online tickets, one combo set (1x popcorn, 1x drink, 2x Ben & Jerry's Ice-Cream) and paid for it all - around $40.

Lunch came shortly in between this, and it was painful.

Also bought mom a rice cooker. Was deliberating whether or not to do it (since it's a little weird - like "Happy Mother's Day! Here, go cook.") but since cooking rice on a daily basis is difficult with the scratched rice cooker, decided on the former.

And since I can't get her out for a movie, bought her "Just follow Law" VCD. I loathe Singapore shows (and I thought the show sucked), but the maternal unit likes them, especially the funny ones.

Dinner : will be Sarpino's. True to my form, I made the order at 1pm. Advanced order to be delivered at 6.30pm, that is. Just in case should anything happen, I'd have sufficient buffer to take care of lunch.

Wait till I tell you about my wedding proposal plans.

My mother, true to Her form, intends to buy 4D with the receipt number for the rice cooker.

The cake my younger brother failed, after I specifically told him don't screw this up. So he offered to pay for a new cake, but I just told him to forget about the cake and just pay me the $$, since my mom didn't want the cake, anyway.

Assignments, lectures, gotta go now.

Cool it

2007-05-03T11:07:00.000+08:00

Have to get used to the gf's rants about work.

Might I add : EXTREMELY DETAILED Rants about work.

Listened with a catatonic expression for a good half hour yesterday as she went into extreme detail about an email she sent to a supervisor of hers. Like, URGH. Been staying over at her place on and off for an extended period to the extent where I'm starting to miss my own bed.

Need those first class honours and staying over at her place isn't really helping the effort since she has no internet connection and no nearby library(hence no research can be done), and no table to do any work on. She uses a laptop so it's all fine to be able to plop it on the bed, but where do I plop all the papers, textbooks and study materials?

Think will need to cool off a little. Been a little too attached to her for my own good. Not that it's a bad thing, but it does distract me from my goal, and that one goal is the thing that won't change, regardless of how many people are in my life - I need money, and I therefore need a good enough job for the money. I want to enjoy work instead of slaving away for it.

Assignments, reading up to do and NO TIME TO DO IT.

Mother's Day around the corner.. plans in progress.

Relations

2007-04-27T12:49:00.000+08:00

The Gf and I "talked" last night.

Here's a little background :

"Capricorn is the tenth sign of the Zodiac and associated with hard work and business affairs. Individuals born under this sign are thought to have an ambitious, modest, patient, responsible, stable, trustworthy, powerful, intellectual, perspicacious and persistent character but one which is also prone to coldness, conservatism, rigidity, materialism, and dullness. "

If you think this is all about how she was "a different sign" from me, that's partially correct.

Scorpio is the eighth sign of the Zodiac and associated with intensity, passion, and power. Individuals born under this sign are thought to have a complex, analytical, patient, keenly perceptive, inquisitive, focused, determined, hypnotic, and self-contained character, but one which is also prone to extremity, jealousy, envy, secretiveness, possessiveness, cruelty and cunning.

(sources from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki)

The fact that she's already a degree grad and working in a high up place is already chafing at me constantly, me being the dude struggling to get my degree and working in a low down place which is bloody making my brains melt. So when she uses a tone of voice which tacitly says : "I think you're an idiot", it makes me feel... stupid. And no one likes to feel stupid. Not unless you think you are, and I very much doubt anyone thinks that.

So after she shouted (or very loudly chided me) on the phone on Wednesday Night for not knowing where the "Pink Building" was despite having worked at my location for almost 2 years, since, according to her, everyone knew where the "Pink Building" was, it made me feel stupid.

Despite the fact that I didn't give a damn where the "Pink Building" was because :

1) It's a hawker centre, and I don't eat out much
2) According to what I hear, it used to be pink, but it's dirty grey now
3) Everyone goes there once in a while.. but I don't hang out with people. AT ALL. And I personally think it's idiotic to find out where the pink building is just to find out that it's called the pink building.

And of course, being ranted at for something as stupid as that makes anyone feel pissed. Plus, the rant came out of fucking nowhere, and it came at me when we were halfway through a pretty much civil conversation.

There're many faults with my gf that I know of, but the most pressing one that I find (and note that this does not mean I have no faults - I know I have many; demanding, suspicious, over-sensitive, sulky etc) is how she works, and works, and works.

I love it and I hate it,
I talk about it all the time,
I think about it all the time,
I worry for it all the time,
I want it's acceptance and love in return to be satisfied

Think I'm talking about a relationship? Absolutely. It's her relationship with her work.

This scenario should give you a good idea :

After she keeps me waiting half an hour downstairs for her to come down from her office (after I had to trudge 15 minutes through the blazing, unsheltered sun to get to her office), she comes down and starts ranting about work for 2 solid hours. Even when we're having dinner.

This would not have been so bad if I hadn't been thinking and pining for her after a really bad day in office. The difference being that I don't talk about work because it's fucking work. I do it to earn money, not to have it's fucking baby.

Anyway. After ranting enough, she's quiet for the rest of the journey to her home, giving one-worded replies to questions, conversations I try to strike. Only when we're nearing her place do I ask her this question, around 10pm :

"So are you going to ask me know how my day went?"

And she asked, quite non-chalantly : "Ok. How was your day?"

"It was terrible. I had to ask my girlfriend to ask me how my day went."

And then she was still for a very short moment as the realisation dawned on her.

"But I'm asking you now."
"After I asked you to."

Silence.

"Am I a bad girlfriend?"
"I'll just say that you only think about your work, and give very little regard to anything else."

And that's what I've been telling her all this while. When I first knew her, she was a light-spirited, tender personality, and now she's just this Total Capricon, right from the first positive trait to the very last negative trait.

I try and I try... and then I try some more; 'you need to focus a little more on your social life', 'you have to stop working so much overtime', 'you need to have other interests besides working and watching cantonese serials - go for a jog or something, ya?' and it all falls on deaf ears.

And if it's just neglect, I can deal with it (not well, but I can deal) - just when it gets aggressive, I feel totally victimized. And then I have to consider if it's just me being whiney.

Oh heck, just another day in the life of Kerio.

Problems with Faith

2007-04-25T10:31:00.000+08:00

The female jack russell (Jess) we have just got herself a vasectomy, or whatever it is they call it in doggy terms. This was because she was in heat just recently and the big male one shagged her several times. As a result, she's been sleeping with my mother to recover from the post-op while the other 3 males run around yapping excitedly. They yap fairly loudly, too.

Agreement on the mother's day plan to be done separately, since the gf's mom isn't vegetarian while mine is. Now will have to make urgent reservations for the place, which is still undecided currently. If you guys are thinking about pizza, check Sarpinos' out - it's pretty good stuff, plus it's cheaper than Pizzahut, plus it tastes better than Canadian.

Been attending church every Sunday since I promised to go last Oct/Nov, and I must say, certain things are giving me serious problems, like :

1) Singing praise for a Divine Entity I'm not sure I can trust
2) Open soliciting for donations (Tithes) by the pastors
3) Cell-Group and Bible Studies, where people tell you how to think and comprehend. Like, brainwashing and bigotist 'we presume that everyone thinks the same thing about God's word coz we like, totally understand it', much?

I'm not anti-christ, nor am I belligerent or find Christianity wrong or anything like that - I just find certain practices (by people) to be rather... less than appealing to me, let's just say. Several theological debates I had with several religiously pious people in the past have resulted in the "let's see if God exists" conclusion, and ironically, as much as I don't believe in a "path" that was pre-planned or a "destiny" per se, I'm starting to really suspect that this 'destiny' thing really exists, especially when everything I've gone through in the past seems to be coming in useful for the present. Perhaps it is true that a lesson is to be learnt in every obstacle, and every obstacle I've come across in the past was supposed to be a learning lesson.

Unfortunately, this house of cards comes toppling down when I consider that I have depersonalization. Plus, it doesn't make me feel a whole lot better to know that whatever shit I've waded through in the past was done so I could wade through more shit in the future. Like, WTF man.

Okay, enough hissing and whining, back to work, and class thereafter.

Meh

2007-04-23T14:54:00.000+08:00

I'm all for a credible, courteous and overall happy society.

But why is it that when strangers smile at me on the street the first thing I think of is "siao"?

Watched a fair number of shows recently, and been spending like Martha Stewarts too. Short reviews here.

Fracture was short, but really nice. Anthony Hopkins as the criminally brillant engineer totally outshadowed Ryan Gosling. I wub yew harnibur.

Wild Hogs SUCKED. Up to the very last 5 minutes, which was entertaining. But $8 for 5 minutes? Don't waste your money.

200 pound beauty - despite my constant whining that 'these flicks are a waste of money', decided to watch this show with the gf, and I must say this was actually quite nice - wonderfully cliched stuff, but still very nice. Heart-wrenching, touching, warm and fluffy, and it's got a hawt babe.

The Reaping was Great. Nice twist at the end which had me really thinking religiously, and of course, when it comes to religion, Kerio the Agnostic is quite the blatantly blasphemeous bitter bastard.

Also watched "The Messengers" last month, "Hannibal Rising", and the "Pursuit of Happyness".
Messengers gave me nightmares even though the story SUCKED, Hannibal Rising was well done but not quite psychotic enough, and the Pursuit of Happyness, both me and the missus both felt, lacked a certain punch.

As a result, I'm now a canister of pop culture, and will very soon be wearing T-Shirts with Che Guevera in strange colours smoking pot and wearing pink pokka dotted ribbons. I'm such a rebel. That's right, my T-Shirt shows I'm a rebel, despite the fact that I still live with my parents (instead of in the streets with my homies) and work 8-5 in an office (instead of being a rock-star) and have rice and veges (instead of cigarette ash) for lunch. Fuck yeah.

Speaking of shirts, bought - casual/formal black jacket for $99 from G2000, 4 shirts totally $100+, GO RETAIL THERAPY!

The missus tried to match mine and was on a losing streak until she bought $180 worth of merchandise in face wash and, er, inner-beauty stuff.

2 questions have popped out from this buying spree :

1) Why the hell does soapy water inna bottle cost so damned much?!

2) Some of my shirts are cheaper than her underwear.

========================

New modules are driving me insane. Economics of Industry, ever heard of it? Well, good - coz I haven't, either, and I've been studying it for 3 weeks. Consumer Behaviour, too. Need to read and re-read and pre-read, and I've got an assignment to rush before the 5th May, and I need to read up on Budget Carriers despite the fact that all I know of them right now is that :

1) they're fucking airplanes
2) they're cheap
3) they're lousy
4) but they get you from point A to point B even though you may have to amputate your legs afterwards

I have to get that First Class. Or at least a Second Uppers. HAVE TO. Period.

Looks like I've finally gotten into the swing of things enough to start blogging from the office again =D

Mother's day preparations not coming along smoothly, coz the gf wanted our 2 mothers to meet. Place, price, topic all present ready problems. But she's really smart and understanding and actually reflects on stuff when I talk to her about them. Plus, she has a bloody good memory and remembers all the train stations in order. Heck, I can't even remember if my English name comes before my chinese name in my IC or the other way round.

We did, however, talk (meaning she talked to me) about "my attitude" when I told her mom "I'm not Christian" when she asked if I was going to her church's welcoming party for newcomers. I mean, good food, fun games, plenty of forward-looking, optimistic and happy people - add in a clown and I'd torch the place for a penny.

But that's just Mr Negative speaking, Mr Positive says we should be more involved and enjoy the good clean fun, whereas Mr Negative tells me good clean fun is for faggots who can't git the other type.

Skipped training too, but got it all sorted out =D

Gotta learn to sing sappy chinese songs. Need help. Gotta go kbox during lunch to wail for 3 hours. Dammit, stupid sappy chinese songs.

Don't even mention the 'pay raise', because apparently my pay is level with the industry, which means I get a grand total of 3-5%, which means $3 for every $100 you earn, which adds up to... oh yeah, $36. Ya know what ya can do widdat $36? Ya know huh?! Huh?! Punkass?!! Ya can put it right here in my pocket. That's right, in ma pocket, bitch.

Neck.. aching.

040407

2007-04-04T10:49:00.000+08:00

HOLLA!

Been a while - busy with Partor-ing, examinations, payments for examinations, planning, etc.

Firstly updates on examinations that no one except perhaps myself cares about :
Practice of Management : Was ok. A little tough remembering all the methods, but happily chanced upon new mnenomic methodology which helped greatly.

Business Economics : Was ok as well, though I frankly think I'd get a B or C.. though hopefully not a D since I screwed up on Privatisation of State Owned Enterprises.

Foundations of Marketing : Fun! But a little tough, like well-cooked dead cow's flesh.

Foundations of Production and Operations Management : Very Very Bad. I'd be happy to get a C.
========================================

Since the gf has recently started to come to terms with her past and decided to reveal a few things about herself to her colleagues, I guess it'd be safe for me to reveal a few things about her too.

1) Her old man borrowed money from 17 loansharks, and defaulted payment on all 17 of them.

2) Her mother therefore had to eke out money to pay those loansharks, and in the process of doing so, committed a criminal offense (though commercially criminal, not the violent type), and was sent to jail for 2 years.

3) In the period when her mother was in jail, her old man went fooling around and got himself attached to another woman outside.

4) Adel was stuck with her Aunt (her old man's sister), who although kept a roof over her head, was also unreasonable and a total bitch most of the time.

5) A few days before her mother was released, she decided to move back, and therefore enlisted my help to clean up her apartment where her old man stayed.

6) Her mother found out about the other woman from her sisters, and asked for a divorce.

7) Her old man agreed, and moved out in a week, but not before telling everyone "the minute she steps out of prison she files for a divorce with me whine whine whine".

8) After which, the old man's relatives - sisters, brothers, mother and father - all came over to persuade Adel's mother to take her husband back... all this while the old man was still fooling around with the other woman, and in fact staying with her.

9) The aunt whom Adel had been staying with called her at 11pm to scream at her. Psycho woman.

10) After New Year, they've been leaving her alone more or less.

So that's about it, more or less.

Kinda stoned recently from the lack of mental stimuli.

Work is killing me, and it's killing Adel as well (heh heh), and I'm just really looking forward to Good Friday so I can rest a little or something.

Cheers y'all.

Many many

2007-03-05T15:38:00.000+08:00

Gah. Still worried about job prospects, and the best part is that now, I can't say that I'll just wing it, cuz it's like saying "want to shit then look for shit-hole" har har har so farney lor har har har.

Career fair was rubbish.

Discovered 2 pet peeves about people on buses besides the few hundred I already have (It's a contained environment with all sorts of fruit-cakes; almost a bomb waiting to asplode) :

Scenario :
Man spots seat available, and proceeds with unstoppable force forthwith.
Man then proceeds to beat the shit out of the seat, possibly because it said bad things about his mother.
Man then plops himself on the seat, and starts masturbating, orgasming several times - or at least that's what I assume that's what's happening when he suddenly pushes himself against the back of the seat, paying no attention to the fact that there's someone seated behind him, and their knees are being pulped because of his premature ejaculation condition.

Oh wait, there're 3. Ah wtf.

I have a confession to make. I'm listening to chinese music. Some are actually quite nice, including the person I referred to as Mr Fag (Jay Chou) previously - some of his songs are rather nice, really, like Chrysantemumemumemum stand and that one with Fei Yu Qing (Faraway, I think the english translation was).

I'm actually listening to it because the gf likes chinese music, and I have to like it because she keeps singing it constantly (and religious music. Might I point out feebly, just to be clear, that I think the message behind Christian religious music is exactly the same as Namo-amitabha in the Buddhist ones, and hence should be kept to within religious compounds as much as possible, even though, once again, some sound rather nice. I have also heard Nice Buddhist Music, but I don't hear it outside as much. Except during funerals.) and hence the difference between staring at her with this twisted face of absolute agony and a face of tolerant adoration is really the difference between how much sappiness I can take up my ass before I fucking find a wall to pound my head repeatedly against until I lose consciousness.

Work is heavy because of the financial year end, exams coming up on the 20th March. Gotten help from a colleague to link me up with this production company who's accepting ideas for shows and advertisements etc freelance. Perhaps my twisted ideas could be profitable, for once?

My class mates' thinking of setting up a eating place (or biz) after quitting his job, with financial backing from another person. Volunteered creative ideas (freelance as well - pay-me-when-it-works kinda thing). Not looking forward to spending my entire life being the lowest grade CSO in the civil service, which, I will say once again,

SUCKS.

V day

2007-02-17T13:57:00.000+08:00

Valentine's Day backdated post.

Morning, left for work as per normal, went to office, checked online order, asked Adel to meet me downstairs at her workplace as I wanted to "pass her something so I wouldn't have to lug it down for dinner later".

Promptly hid behind pillar (unobstrusive, yeah right) until she came down, then presented her with bouquet of 11 flowers (supposedly, I'm to say something gag-worthy like "You're the 12th Rose, but well...*gag*) and soft toy (a pig in sheep skin, cute eh? From Muee). Blush blush blush so cuuute =D

Lunch at the food court, then sent her back to office, went back, stuffed other presents into bag, went for dinner after work at Togi (a korean restaurant in Chinatown, absolutely brillant) then promptly took 1 hour bus-ride to her house =.='''

"Why are you always spending so much on me? Awww.."
"Well baby, I promised you flowers and chocolate, right? Otherwise it wouldn't be a Valentine's heh heh."
"Oh.. thank you. *blush* Hey, wait, there aren't any chocolates here hahaha!"
"Oh... heh heh heh..." (Pokerfaced)

Reached her house, went to the rest room, and was presented with a pendant and a photoframe with a photo of us together =DDD

"And.. I have something for you, too."
(Presents her with box of Godiva chocs)

"...OMI GAWD!"
"Heh heh heh.."
"How much did you spend?!"
"Imma not gonna tell yew *hill-billy grin*"
"...OMI GAWD!"
(Prances outside to show off to her mother)

Kerio prepares surprise number 3
(Heh heh heh heh)

(Watches TV for a while, sit around, walks into her room)

"OMIGAWD!!"
"(Heh heh heh)"

Decorated a card with rose petals, a small candle (which I didn't light), and of course, the $90, one of a kind wooden shoes with kimono fabric from Akihabara.

"Happy Valentine's, Darling." *kiss*
Barely audible whine of joy from Adel

Happy Lunar New Year, y'all =)

STW

2007-02-07T12:36:00.000+08:00

I don't think I'm justified nor privileged in any way to say this... but I suppose at this point, I personally feel like I should share this little thing that probably everyone knows of by now.

I was anorexic once.

The old posts with all the descriptions and logs were put in the kerio.blog-city.com blog, which is now, unfortunately, defunct thanks to blog-city's incompetence. Sometimes I wish I had copied all the things down and put them somewhere so I could show people how to get over anorexia.. but then again, I know firsthand how nearly impossible it is in this society which focuses on physical "perfection" ie, clothesrack-like figures.

At the height of my anorexia barely 2 years ago, my daily ritual went like this :

Morning : Black coffee, no sugar, no milk.
Lunch : Water with black coffee, no sugar, no milk.
Dinner : Bread, or a small bowl of rice.
Followed immediately by a 10km run... EVERYDAY.

And on days when I felt I couldn't run, I woke up at 5.30am and skipped rope for an hour, breaking for a few minutes everytime I felt I couldn't breath anymore. Then I drank water, water, more water, and coffee.

It's incredible how long you can stay alive with no food.. just water.

Best thing to have ever hit the stores in my opinion, was Crystal-light - the artificially sweetened citrus juice that had less than 30 kcals - I still have 3 small, expired bottles of it. Next on the list is Weetabix, and of course, Nescafe powder.

For 1.5 years I lived like this, and when I ate anything at all, I felt so guilty I'd do a lot more workouts just to cut away the calories. A slice of pizza = 5km more of running. Bread with peanut butter = 3km of running.

And the problem is, once you lost control and ate, you ate chocolates, sweets, confectionary, junk food - and then you felt so guilty you decided to starve.. or purge.

The turning point for me was when I took pills to get diarrhoea, and then when I realised it wasn't working, I tried to vomit... and then a tinny voice in my head said, very quietly,

"What the Fuck are you doing?"

And it was then that I stopped and took stock of where I was, what I was doing, what I had accomplished in the past 1 and a half years, and what, exactly, I had turned into - a whining, piteous creature sans Gollum, constantly looking with desire at food and constantly weighing foods in caloric content and not nutrition or taste. Apples, 81kcals - rice, 300kcal++ - wholemeal bread, 129kcals/2 slices etcetc..

And then I wondered -
Is it really worth living like this - just so others will think I'm skinny and attractive?
Do I really care about their opinions?
Is it me?
Or is it Them?

So I read up more on nutrition, eating habits and all.. and found out I was anorexic. I decided there and then on 2 things :

1) I don't want to live such a craven lifestyle ever. I wanna live strong, and for myself - Fuck the World.
2) I want health, strength, and I wanted peace instead of that constant self-bashing whenever I ate something as miniscule as a fucking peanut.

I took up Karate, long distance running, weights training.. and I returned to eating.

The binging carried on for a few weeks, but I worked out harder and harder...

In 2002, when I was binge eating, I was 85kg.
In 2004, when I was anorexic, I was 55kg.
In 2005, I was at 63kg..

And now, in 2007, I'm still at 63kg.

And the best part? I feel strong, healthy, quick on my feet, I no longer have to worry about eating foods I like - because the theory of human evolution is simple : We are born to hunt. If you eat but do not hunt, you get fat. You wanna eat, go run for your food - it's as simple as that.

I no longer have bad breath or a bloated stomach, I no longer drop hair or feel faint just climbing stairs, I don't have mood swings nor need to hear my stomach growling constantly, I no longer have to look at food and think about calories.

I constantly find chances to work-out; move around, climb stairs, run in the morning when it's most effective, get a good night's sleep, I force myself to work out by joining karate where discipline is enforced, I took part in half marathons to motivate myself, I spent lavishly on gifts for myself when I managed to run the half marathon in 2005..

To put it simply, I Live. I eat, I run, I study, I write.. and I still curse like a sailor.

After all, it's your life and your body. Why subject yourself to cruel and unnatural punishment so that others can look at you and say "oh yew so skinny and bewtifoo." coz everyone - EVERYONE grows fat and old eventually. Those who go around sneering about people getting fat.. well - their time will come. And when we stare at their flacid, diet-induced bodies, we'd stand tall in our chiselled, firm bodies and point a tanned finger at their hips and remark, quite casually, "My, you are getting chunky, aren't you?"

Are you fighting the battle for yourself? Or for others? Or are you just fighting yourself by trying to kill yourself slowly?
Isn't winning the war more important than winning the few skirmishes?

Carpe Diem my dears, and live strong - for yourselves. Screw the World.

Long overdue update

2007-02-06T13:34:00.000+08:00

Apologies y'all for the lack of posts recently - so many things have been happening so far it's been a little hard to keep track of stuff.

The financial year end's coming, so everything at work's going to hell, especially after the Finance Dept sounded a false alarm and had our department borrowing a substantial amount of money from another department - a move that could land us with a heavy penalty come March 07.

And personal problems-wise, well - it's been a really trying period for both Adel and me - not in the sense that we've been finding faults with each other, but that she's been going crap in her family life and work, and I've been going through crap with my various insecurities and helping her cope with her crappy family life. But because I've learnt, through the years that it's never healthy nor right to keep problems to yourself and just assume that things are just the way things are without even giving the other party a chance to clarify or reason, I've been sitting down to talk and basically making sure the deal between both of us is to "say it" when something is troubling anyone of us.

And all I can say is, without going through these things, it's impossible to know how comforting it is to have someone to hold on to and just cry when you're no longer strong enough to deal with things. When you've pushed yourself physically, mentally and emotionally to the very brink of breakdown, you need that someone to hold on to and hug, and be hugged in return.

In the past I'd just steel myself and carry on because there was no other choice. I attributed dependency on another person as foolish weakness, and strength, I always believed, came from solitude and the desire to be strong enough to beat off the world with a stick.

In a certain way I guess Adel weakens me... I've never been so dependant on anyone since I was a child, and that was when I was betrayed - to have the hand that reached out for help slapped away.. to plead to be taken to safety but be ignored.. to watch the back of my mother stride down the cold corridor as she left us alone with that animal.. and that is why when Adel was here for me, I couldn't help myself and tears just ran down my face, making me sob like a big baby for a few minutes before I could pull myself together. And the last time I actually broke down and wept was in 1997, when I dropped out of the school team and realised that no one could be here for me, that no one would help or pity or comfort me.. and the fear of loneliness struck me like a venomous snake striking my heart.

I let 9 years of tears out in that single night, and it lasted only 5 minutes.. but I'd never felt so vulnerable in my life till that day.. to be totally wide open to anyone calling me names or just walking away from me because I was crying and totally weak and could not fend for myself at that exact point in time.. and she didn't. And there I sat, sobbing away while apologising over and over again.. apologising for not being strong enough to trust her, apologising for doubting her, apologising for not being able to show a strong front even though I knew she was going through so much already, apologising for the fact that even though i tried to be strong for both her and her family, it was impossible to be strong for 4 persons and still be strong for myself...

Ironically, this was shortly after she had broken down and wept into my shoulder.. so it's like we were taking turns.. but it also gives you a rather good idea of how trying these recent days have been.

We feel as if we've known each other for years already, and whenever we think about how long exactly we've been together (2 months, 13 days), it seems almost unbelievable. We'd be saying stuff like "What, 2 months?! Are you sure?!" or "I can't believe we haven't even been through 3 months."

A few things to update from the entire thing :

1) After Adel's old man opted to walk out, his family continued to harass Adel and her brothers to go plead for her old man to return. Everyone failed to see the logic in doing it, hence many shouting arguments ensued.
2) Do not go swimming at 7pm at night because it is so fucking cold your balls would turn into prunes, or raisins more like.
3) I happen to be a better judge of character than anyone thinks. If I tell you a particular person is an asshole, chances are he/she really is.

Less than a month ago, I couldn't believe the gall of that ass-fuck when he called Adel (on her birthday, no less) to do his assignment for him. She had then agreed to vet through it out of goodwill, and of course, with all the problems she had since that day, she had been struggling just to stay afloat - and after reading the assignment he literally dumped on her, I just had to tell her 2 things.

1) The guy... is a Fucking Idiot.
2) He does not deserve to graduate.

I'll tell you why, right here, with actual, unabridged excerpts from his assignment :

"This is because a unify force will create a competitive edge for the organization, a unify force to be reckoned that will produce desire results (Wood et al. 2005, p457)"

If that was actually written by "Wood", I'd give good money to hear "Wood" speak at conferences, because I'd split my fucking sides roaring with appreciate laughter.

"As the employees recognize which action will bring desire outcome. For instance, employees in Singapore understand the importance of ensuring Singapore economy remain competitive, as good economy guarantee jobs offers, while on the other hand, bad economy will result retrenchment. "

I'm sorry Jeffrey... I lawled =(

I won't even start on the rest of the essay, all 4,000 odd words - because, believe or not, I read through the piece of shit several times and didn't even see one grammatically correct sentence, and I'm sorry to say this, but it takes a complete, utter retard to fucking quote from a book... and still get the grammar wrong even while literally, copying from the book - SEVERAL TIMES.

And the best part? When Adel messaged him on Sunday, telling him quite objectively that he hadn't answered the question (I kept bugging her to ridicule him for his apparent lack of the linguistic capability I've seen primary school children capable of but she was too civil for that) and was totally honest in saying he'd fail it if he handed the assignment in (which was a part of his examination grade - do you believe the gall of this motherfucker?! Getting someone to do his examinations for him?! WHAT THE HELL ARE THE CURTIN UNIVERSITY MARKERS DOING?!?!) and he came back with 6 - 7 messages saying "It's too late, why u neber reply my previous miss call (at fucking 1030pm can?!) now I no time whine whine whine sob sob me me me wet me pants got doodoo in my underwear whine whine" and generally being a total ass-shat, complaining, whining, blaming, saying shit like "it's all your fault" blah blah blah and I kept telling Adel to pass her phone over so I could message the reply (which would consist of many well-known and loved words that he richly deserves, like "motherfucking", "CCB", NBCCB etc) but she only messaged back something civil (but angry, granted), and that ended it after I told her to delete his last message, which was crafted to provoke a response from her.

So at the end of this episode, the 2 things we agreed on :

Jeffrey Leong is a motherfucking Retard.
We're so lucky we found each other - I'm lucky because I managed to save her from this brain-dead penis-head, and she's lucky because she managed to escape from this brain-dead penis-head. Oh wait. Hey! I think she made me walk into that one!! Dammit, I'm giving her The Guji later.

Lastly, a picture of me and Adel... I want no comments on my hair (which I've changed since then), or the over-sized shirt and pants I was wearing, nor the smirk on my face (which is the closest I'll ever come to a smile) because dammit, I was in the midst of helping her across a damned wooden bench when the photographer took that damned photo. Note my studliness in grabbing her wrist like I'm grabbing a chicken by its neck. (I was aiming for her hand, ok?!)